update and things

10/04/2014

Seriously overdue I know I'm sorry. A lots happened in a month and its been hell.... about 2.5 weeks ago I got fired from my good job because I "just wasn't a good fit" for them, even though I was never properly trained. Whatever. It was nothing but bullshit drama there anyways, although I domiss the $700 paychecks. :/ . Whatever. Hubbys grandma died last week, his sister got married the week before, and I lost my job the week before so it was about 3 weeks ago. I started dollar general the day they fired me. Coincidence? I think not. Hubby got arrested after he picked up a phone off the ground, and that spurred a long legal trail of nothing but bullshit and crooked police work which is now gonna cost us almost $2000, that we don't have. He might not even have a job anymore, because people can't pick up the phone when he calls to tell them he's out of state and can't make it back to work. it'd be so nice if someone gave us the money as a temporary gift to get us through this, but I know no one can. Everyone has problems, I just wish mine weren't so many and excessive. I'm tired. Emotionally drained and completely worn out. I've actually thought of becoming like a stripper or something just for the freaking cash flow that's how low I've fallen. I don't know how I did it before but I seem to have a knack for coming so close to the brink of a nervous breakdown, but then it just stops. Like it never happened to begin with.....idk if I can do that this time. I can't afford to get help now least off all with everything else going on. I guess all I can do is pray and hope for the best. I've been really depressed lately, sometimes for no apparent reason whatsoever. Also, my 9month old niece has to get a stint in her heart cuz one of her valves won't close and I guess her heart keeps almost flooding, and my grandma has stage 1 melanoma skin cancers on her face that she's getting surgically removed next week. I've been lied to by them even now from over 1000miles away, and family means nothing to anyone anymore. I don't belong here. Not with his family not with mine. My dads side might take me and make me feel welcome, but I have yet to feel that love anywhere else. I can't talk to hubby cuz he doesn't understand. Frankly I doubt he has the emotional capacity to handle all my stuff on top of the stress from this legal shit and possibly losing his job. I am still supporting him and still feel like I am raising him, which only adds to my stress levels. And my little shithead of a dog doesn't wanna listen. I swear she is going through her rebellious years now omg she's so stupid sometimes. But that's about it for now sorry its so long. For those of you who care, there it is. The last month of my miserable life. Yaa I have a husband and a roof over my head which are blessings but I'm just so stressed its hard to see the light right now. Been struggling a lot with whether or not to start cutting again, and I've failed a couple times. I've said my reasons before I won't say them again. It helped a little at the time. Sad part is no one cared enough to notice. I'm not doing it for attention whatsoever but it'd be nice for someone to look me in the eye and say "you need to stop this. Now. C'mon let's go get some help" or, you know, something like that. Idk....just.....show me you care or something.......whatever......pictures to follow....goodnight....