WhEn PuSh CoMeS tO sHoVe
All right this is an update. Well a little update - I think. So I had told my friends (Natalie and Brittany) that I would ask Brian by the end of the week (Friday). And I kept putting it off and putting it off, and I was going to do it at lunch but, like, I did not want to put him on the spot or anything with everyone looking at him.
My timing was still crap, but I had no choice because it was the end of the week. Well needless to say, he had said "I'm not sure I'm going." Don't get me wrong, that is not the answer I wanted to hear. Was it surprising? No. I just have this itchy feeling that one of my friends will talk to him and get him to go with me, and that is not what I want. I don't want to be a pity date. And if he really does not want to go with me, or just doesn't want to go at all it is fine with me. It really is.
The only problem is that I have two warring sides now. My rational side, and my angsty (oh woe is me) side. My rational side is basically saying the above. It is all right. Don't worry about, don't obsess over it. You planned on going with or without a date to prom. You can always ask Cort - as just friends, of course. It's no big deal. So what? Who the freak cares? At least I asked, and gave it a try.
Now my angsty side... well that is not a pretty picture. Oh no, way. It is saying, I knew this was going to happen. Can I blame him for not wanting to go, especially with me? I've never had a guy ask me out before, and what do I do? I ask a guy out, and what happens? Well, what do you think you idiot! You get rejected, why would he want to go with you anyway? I'm not good enough, and there are so many other people prettier than I am. I mean really, he would have to be blind to go with me. And yes, my dress was a size 8 (see prev. entry) but that doesn't mean anything, I'm still ugly as ever. Why did I even try when I knew what the answer was going to be.
You get the picture. But I am trying. I am trying to listen to the rational side. But it is hard when all I really want to do is wallow and cry and just take self-pity on myself. But, I just can't. That isn't going to get me anywhere and it is no use. But I still want to.
(Psstt... thanks for all of the compliments on the dress, if only that were me in it. ^_^) Also, my friend, Natalie, well she was a size 10 in her dress and to my above statement that I am not that pretty. So she is bigger than I am, but she is so pretty. It is almost not even fair. And just my food for thought on how size doesn't matter. Please don't take that the wrong way, because I am not meaning that she is fat, just bigger than me - bigger hips and stuff. But so, so, so very pretty. I wish I could look half as good as she does.
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