taking off my mask and revealing the same face

08/02/2012

I'm not doing so well, not that I'll show it. I'll put on that fake mask, the one I keep in the back of my closet with the smile on it to cover my thoughts, my pains, my jealousy. I just wish I knew what to do with my life.

That lady who I helped out in the last entry, I came home from dinner last night (Wednesday) and wrote this in a message to her on FB.

ok, tonight it's my turn to have negative feelings. I was having dinner with my father at a restaurant and a lady came over and in an excited tone said "hi Jonathan, It's Christy Berrett" a lady who I have not seen since hs graduation 15 years ago. I stood up and she give me this huge hug. I dont remember the last time I got a hug like that. She was telling me she has two kids and is a nurse and a few other things. She asked me what I have been up to? I was like ummm. she was with a friend and asked me if I remembered her and I said no,she said she didnt go to HS with us, she went to the vocational school. my father who was sitting right there stood up and introduced him self. so I am there with my father and his friend and she was there with her friend. I felt extremely lonely at that point. I only have less than a handful of friends ... you know... here and the only one I really go out with is my best friend John and that's like once a month. Besides that, I'm out with my parents. Can you imagine living with your parents at 34? I dont know... Then when she said bye she gave me another nice hug and a kiss on my cheek. We had 3 classes together as JR's and 4 as SR's. I will never forget, she made me a double layered strawberry cake that was HUGE! and even though you are not allowed to bring food into the classroom, the English teacher said she could. and I was surprised about the cake. not that it helped, but I want to come home and tell you. We got to find the light,we have to karen. Life has to get better. ...right?

...

but my friend Karen never responded. To the nudge of an amazing friend and blooper, I am writing this here.

I want a job.
I want a wife.
I want a friend to do things with.

I'm just so lonely and alone.

I also thought last night, since the 15 years I have been out of hs, that was only the 5th person who I graduated with, who came up to me and said hi.
I live in the same town. I graduated with 289 kids.
Soy, un parador

I want an outgoing lady, who enjoys sports, and is caring-romantic. Yes, I want a female version of me. Although my best friend said that's stupid and would be boring, that's what I want.

I wouldnt be lonely, I would have someone to go home to.
I would have someone to love, to treat, to care about and think about.
...
there is more but I got to go to work.

I'll leve you with these two song lyrics.

"I want, something else, to get me through this, semi-charmed kind of life" (3rd eye blind)

"Ain't no sunshine when you're low, I'm low People tell me life's a game, I'm not playing Bitches don't mean shit to me anymore I have taken my blows, I'm still standing. These are the things he thought in bed at night A lot of people might laugh at this But fuck them they don't know the half of it
" (kid rock)