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an empty frame.'s Diary
by an empty frame.

previous entry: Pointless sex? No such thing, surely.

next entry: eating disorder, recovery, adult adhd, hypersexuality, hospitalisation, don't forget to eat

Unresponsive to treatment.

02/01/2010

Hiding outside the library chain smoking because I am disappointed, disillusioned, discouraged.

Two weeks of recovery and for what? I've lost a kilo. And that was first thing in the morning, I'd just had breakfast and drank a litre of water. ...I've lost a kilo.

How did this fucking happen???? I may have binged on an entire tub of icecream and thrown it up, but that doesn't make you lose a kilo. I went for a few long walks... Last week I ran for two hours... Yesterday I didn't eat a thing until dinner time... But... Other than that... *sigh* I've been trying really hard... I've been really trying... Maybe too easy on myself... Maybe I'm delusional... Maybe I've been lying to myself... Again...

They're not impressed with the results. I'm so scared. The goal is to get me at a safe weight first and foremost. Please don't hospitalise me. Oh god. I'll do better, somehow...

I tried so fucking hard. I ate a LOT. I ate like a PIG. How can I not have put on weight? Their scales are broken. Those stupid cunts. Fuck this.

previous entry: Pointless sex? No such thing, surely.

next entry: eating disorder, recovery, adult adhd, hypersexuality, hospitalisation, don't forget to eat

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RYC: I am glad. ... As for your entry, all I can say is that I hope that your efforts start to show. Keep trying. You can do it.

[sling☮inkStar|0 likes] [|reply]

2 weeks is just the beginning. Keep at it. It's times like this, (the bad times,) times when you get discouraged, and yet you pick yourself up and try again that will make you realize that you can do it in the long run.
You've got this, kid. You're going to beat this.

[Birrrdy|0 likes] [|reply]

Maybe if you are eating more then your metabolism is sped up and that's what made you lose? I don't know, just speculating. You're doing the right thing, don't let this discourage you. This is nothing compared to what you went through to get to this point! <3

[mixieStar|0 likes] [|reply]

i think it's a trial and error thing. i'm sure they won't hospitalise you. you'll be ok.

[& skull.Star|0 likes] [|reply]

two weeks is so early aaron - it's a drop in the bucket. I know its totally discouraging - but you HAVE TO REMEMBER that a 2 lb variance is a pretty typical thing. Considering your salt intake changes, the clothes, your most recent bowel movement even. You'll get there honey. Don't blame yourself! Just be honest! if you're doing what you need to do to be healthy then you're on the right road. Just give it time honey. a kilo is nothing & just keep working and trying. I don't know if you have it there, but we have something called "ensure". When I was going through treatment they made me drink it. It's loaded with calories and vitamins ect., but its just a small 5 oz tin of chocolate milk. It really really helped me to put on that inital weight. its a 'healthy' way to add in a few hundred extra calories.

*hug*

[Morning.GloryStar|0 likes] [|reply]

*big hugs*

[~insert name~Star|0 likes] [|reply]

oh hon. 2lb difference like someone said here is nothing, ad you can have that varience day to day!! it depends on the time they weighed you and everything.
i can't help but think how weirdly theydo things... weighing an anorexic for example really isn't the way forward! are they giving you counselling to help you figure out why you are like you are?
x

[.November.Butterfly.|0 likes] [|reply]

*sigh* treating bulimia isn't the same as treating anorexia. in any case, they need to track my "progress". i need to gain weight, so they need to weigh me to make sure i'm doing it. i will face the opposite direction so i don't see the numbers. the hesitation in docs voice is what made me ask. for now we are operating on a trust system. they expect me to act like an adult, so they treat me like one. i don't know why i'm justifying that. in any case, it would be nuts to not be weighing me at this stage.
i don't know if it's a big deal or not. they make looking totally unphased whatever the situation into a fucking art form. the truth is that in this two weeks my track record is BAD. i have been acting up at support group, swearing at staff members, have not shown up to numerous meals and an appointment... it's clear, i'm not going in the direction i should be.
and yes, i am getting counselling. i would write about what we've discussed during sessions so far, but at the end of the day, after spending hours talking about nothing but that, the last thing i want to do is write about it on here, as much as i really think it should all be recorded... in short, it has a fair bit to do with my adhd, and uh, fuck, i need to go through my notes. it's an entry ive been meaning to write for the longest time but haven't found the motivation yet. obviously its got plenty to do with my childhood (seriously i thought it was just downhill from when i was 16 but i was bound to use this sort of thing as a coping mechanism from pretty early on, it was just waiting for a catalyst)/family/parents. the adhd thing surprised me because i didn't realise they were connected at all. it also shapes my treatment because we realised today (after this entry) that i was being overloaded with information and ideas and we have stripped it right back to just gaining weight as first and foremost, and there's no point trying to "counsel" me until i've gained weight because starvation does some tricks on your brain.
what other things in your opinion are weird, by the way?

[an empty frame.|0 likes] [|reply]

It takes time - as Morning Glory said, you've done TWO weeks. Two lbs is NOT a lot. You'll get there!!

*Hugs*

[Stephanie|0 likes] [|reply]

You can do it! Just try to keep it up. It's always hard in the beginning. xx

[sheela-na-gig|0 likes] [|reply]

previous entry: Pointless sex? No such thing, surely.

next entry: eating disorder, recovery, adult adhd, hypersexuality, hospitalisation, don't forget to eat

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