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an empty frame.'s Diary
by an empty frame.

previous entry: Swinging on a swing

next entry: :(

rambles about my late ex, my other ex and sex

06/07/2010

Sometimes I get hit with different painful memories from my past. It's like being punched in the chest. It's hard to breathe when it happens. The memory I get most often struck by is of Joshua's death. I don't think I'll ever get over it. I know Giovanni will never get over it. I think he has post traumatic stress disorder from seeing his best mate hanging.

I just made myself cry big time. Why do I say things like that? It's like... I need to tell myself what has happened in the only way I'll understand it. If I sugar coat it in my mind, it's like it never happened. Hanging. hanging. hanging. oh, god. why did he do that. he should be here. god.

we always go visit his grave around this time of year. we take gabriel with us and he has a great time running around the cemetary. he just wants to go further and further and further into it. wants to explore every corner of the cemetary. and we are just there to see josh and then we want to go. we always have to drag him kicking and screaming back to the car, because he just wants to have fun. i hope that josh can see him. what a beautiful boy giovanni made. he's missing out on him. but he was such a bastard, he probably wouldn't care for him. i don't think he ever liked kids anyway. he was more interested in everything that reeked of death, than things overflowing with life. that's why i liked him so, so much. his darkness appealed to me in such a way... and it still does.

if he were still alive, he would absolutely hate luke. he's such a bastard. he hates anyone that has led a successful life. anyone that has friends, hobbies, a career, anyone who is healthy. luke has his demons too. dont b hatin'!

*sigh* i don't know if i can say that i miss him. he was bad for me, really bad. we just wanted to kill ourselves and each other. i have no idea how i got out of that. and moved on to be with giovanni, who is pure light. i don't think i think more highly of anyone in the world than i do of giovanni. did that sentence make sense? he needs someone to love him so, so badly. he's the hottest guy ever but he's so fucking broken and when people learn he has full custody of a child with autism ...actually, it has more to do with teh fact that he simply doesn't have time to date around, and he's not willing to settle for anybody that isn't 100% perfect. he got together with a girl that had two kids and i thought that shit was finally getting sorted out for him... but, no, they broke up after a few weeks. no reason. just never really kicked off.

i wish i loved him in a romantic kind of way. he's my best friend now, and he's my step-son's father, and i've argued with myself for so fucking long now that i can't be with him and risk losing our friendship as well as my relationship with gabriel, which is the most important thing in the world for me, ... i've argued that so many times, back in the day when i thought i might still love him, that it must have worked really well because now i just... he's sexy as hell, and i'd fuck him, but he's my friend and nothing more. LOL i fall for people so easily it's completely alien to me to be close to a guy who i think is attractive but not want him ... oh but then again, i already had him for a couple of years.

this entry came out of nowhere. i think i just had that really bad memory and had to write about it until i got over it. yep. you've just witnessed how quickly i get over shit like that. i'm going to bed now though. i was so horny all day long but now that we actually have time to have sex now, i'm just tired and feeling flat. lol it's so confusing to not be horny. too much good sex lately, i guess. really good sex. god, i must have been jesus in a past life to deserve the kind of sex i'm fucking getting right now. holy shit. anyway i'm off to bed to have nightmares about all the bills i forgot to pay last week.

previous entry: Swinging on a swing

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love you hon xxx

[.November.Butterfly.|0 likes] [|reply]

You've had a lot of time to process it.
I'll tell you a dirty dirty secret. It *never* goes away. You will *always* have these moments. The difference is how long they last.
*considers* I think it's kinda toxic to consider these things suicide. He was a jerk because he was broken, too broken to be comfortable being or giving real love. He didn't kill himself. He died from complications due to depression and whatever else fractures he was carrying in his tortured soul.
The same way you nearly died from complications due to anorexia. Which is a kind of suicide if you think about it. And you know first hand how very little control you can have over what's going on.
(When I tried to kill myself, my suicide note read "What the hell is going on, and why can't I stop it?")

[a little one|0 likes] [|reply]

heh, i've never left a suicide note. i tend to leave places/people without giving thought to letting anyone know where i am or what i'm doing or when i'll be back. i'm notorious for that sort of thing. i don't know why. it just doesn't occur to me that people would notice i was gone. and i don't mean that in a self-depreciating way, i mean, it literally doesn't occur to me. it's like... time would stop while i was gone, lol. anyway, the point is, i've never left a suicide note. but if i die luke knows to update my online diaries (he already reads them and has my password for them). yeah, some readers actually requested that, i guess because i was close to death for a while there, although i have no idea how they knew, or why i let anyone know that.

[an empty frame.|0 likes] [|reply]

I have a will with all my password info in it, because I know how terrifying the thought of people I love dropping off the face of the earth is to *me*. I built it shortly before I went in for my second surgery, as it was dangerous and I quite carefully put my business in order. I'm never that organized when I'm suicidal.
*quirk* I know people would miss me if I was gone. In my dysfunction, I tend to find that incredibly irritating and confining, and so also drop off the face of the earth often and without warning just to spite them. It's a different kind of bad, I suppose.
Unrelated: Did you email me? I just want to be sure it didn't get spam-filtered.

[a little one|0 likes] [|reply]

I am slightly confused about who the characters are in this entry.

[xo heatherStar|0 likes] [|reply]

josh = deceased ex boyfriend from like... a few years ago, who died shortly after i broke up with him
giovanni = jeeves = my ex boyfriend, also my best friend, also joshua's best friend when he was alive, also my step-son's father. we were together several years, on and off.
gabriel = giovanni's son, my step son. his mother was pregnant with him when joshua died, and when giovanni and i first became a couple. he is now four years old.

[an empty frame.|0 likes] [|reply]

the end of this is hilarious. I'm sorry about joshua though. Tragic - but I'm glad you and giovanni have each other to lean on.

[//Gravida ;;*|0 likes] [|reply]

that sucks that that last relationship didn't last. i'm sure he'll find someone eventually though. in the mean time you're being a great friend to him and gabriel.

josh was always dark. he wasn't good for you, but it was still sad he chose that way out. it's good you and geeves had each other though.

[& skull.Star|0 likes] [|reply]


Emotional anxiety seems to be enveloping the members of my social world like a storm cloud... of doom. I dreamed last night that charlie bought me a puppy? And then he hacked at it with a machete while reciting weird haikus? And I finally put it out of its misery with an axe.
Yeah. Disturbed.
Miss you though, since you're Mr. Popular now and all.
Josh sounds terrifying. I've never met anyone like that.

[theboyontheroof|0 likes] [|reply]

...he was terrifying, actually. He was an alcoholic and a poet with horribly foul teeth. I found it all very romantic, until after a year he started throwing chairs at me and such. In his suicide note he blamed me for him having to kill himself. I threw up after reading it (ever cried so hard youve thrown up in your mouth a bit? I did that, only a lot.) and thinking of it still gives me that wreching reflex. ....that asshole had to keep torturing me well after he was dead and gone. That's how much he needed me. It was so hard.

[an empty frame.|0 likes] [|reply]

PS I miss you too.

[an empty frame.|0 likes] [|reply]

RYC: Well, some of us don't do that good of a job managing,but hide it well. i'm like that. I think only my girlfriend picked up on it immediately.

[Henry JonesStar|0 likes] [|reply]

previous entry: Swinging on a swing

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