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i am the smell before rain
by sunshine, love

previous entry: reasons not to fall in love

:: this time of year

01/30/2011

i thought this year would be different. 

but it's washing over me the same way as it did before. 
end of january. 
february. 
brutal. 

like having a pillow shoved over my face.
can't breathe.
drowning in the dark. 
alone.

i feel myself pulling away from everyone.

worst of all i feel myself pulling away from her.
& i love her.


it's that time of year again
where those same songs play on repeat in my head.
the ones written in minor chords
with the sad-but-true lyrics..
you know the ones i mean.

it's that time of year again
where i can run at the gym for hours
but can't escape.
where i can write words for pages
but can't get it out.
where i reach for that razor blade
to draw lines on my skin.

it numbs the dull throbbing
it tears apart my relationships
it sets me apart (in a bad way)

i know i'll get through it.
the spring will come.
the sun will burn away the black.

but for now the way i felt after that rape 
resurfaces & lingers
courses through my bloodstream
suffocates my lungs.

for now i feel every molecule.
and count down the moments until march 
& sunshine 
& feeling okay again.

previous entry: reasons not to fall in love

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