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all.is.vanity's Diary
by all.is.vanity

previous entry: frustrated.

next entry: kiss with a fist.

hate.

12/27/2009

Laura bought me beautiful journals for Christmas. Every year, you can guarantee someone will. It shows the kind of image they have of me, but the truth is, I'm no longer a writer. My ideologies and perfectionism make it almost impossible to write without slipping further into self disgust. Is it the same for all artists? Orwell hated 1984, and strongly believed it would be the death of him. Van Gogh's letters made me stand in the museum in tears... how could he doubt his work so much?

So. I'm going to use them. For now, as planners - I'll plan, I'll write quotes, I'll put stickers in and doodles, and hopefully... eventually... I'll learn to write again.

I want to move out again. It's harder to go insane when it's not in private. I've always been one to paint a smile on, and now the cracks are starting to show.

Richey wasn't on drugs. I never did get a full explanation, but I'm used to that now. Sometimes, I think I might be worse than him. I think if I had been lucky enough to have been born a girl we'd be a lovely couple. As it is, it consists of him practically abusing me - it's not rape, it's not even abuse really, because I always give in, I always submit. I think I'm too scared not to, sometimes, because he wouldn't stop anyway. And then I'd have to deal with that as well. It's not that I don't want him, just... not like this. Constantly reminding me that he's not gay, as if I give a shit, as if it makes a fucking difference. And all I want to do is scream. I'm sorry. I'm SORRY I couldn't have been female for you, but it wasn't exactly my choice. I didn't stick myself in this disgusting body just to irritate you. And I can dress up as much as you want, but it won't change a fucking thing, because even if you're not gay, it just makes you a straight man who fucks another man - and is that really so much easier for you to accept? Fuck you.

I sound like a teenage drama queen and I don't even have youth as an excuse any longer.

previous entry: frustrated.

next entry: kiss with a fist.

0 likes, 6 comments

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*hugs* im so sorry hun. this sounds really difficult for you. if he has sex with you clearly he isn't straight. he is having a hard time accepting it and with time hopefully it'll change. *HUGSSSSSSSS*

did you have a good xmas?

♥Lacy

[MonsoonStar|0 likes] [|reply]

I get journals as well, I woud write all the time but the past few months, it is just so difficult. I hope that things get better for you.

[Dragonfly|0 likes] [|reply]

Random; sounds like it's been going a little rough for you. I hope it gets better

[ms.rae's|0 likes] [|reply]

I can't speak for anyone else, but I am so in love with writing I hate it.
If that makes sense at all.

But I can't not do it, either.

[Birrrdy|0 likes] [|reply]

I can't speak for anyone else, but I am so in love with writing I hate it.
If that makes sense at all.

But I can't not do it, either.

[Birrrdy|0 likes] [|reply]

mike dotes on me and brings me the most lovely and unique journals all differant. And it always makes me feel like he's stuck a knife in my side. He always says "write something amazing in this one" and all id is fill them with little poems or scribbles and meaningless crap.

I'm so so sorry about things with Rich. <3 My heart is with you.

[Morning.GloryStar|0 likes] [|reply]

previous entry: frustrated.

next entry: kiss with a fist.

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