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all.is.vanity's Diary
by all.is.vanity

previous entry: dirty.

next entry: Nothing's changed, I still love you. Only slightly less than I used to, my love.

empty arms and an aching heart.

05/22/2009

I suppose sometimes I just think this is better than nothing.

But I barely recognise him anymore. He's smoking close to 40 a day, I can see he's self-harming again, there's a bottle of vodka beside his bed, and he can tell me it's a coincidence all he wants, he seems to always have a hint of alcohol on his breath. I don't remember the last time I saw him eat a proper meal. The promiscuity has hit an all-time high.

I worry that I'll end up catching something from him, but you know for whatever time we're together, at least I know he isn't out picking someone up, a stranger, someone who could hurt him... I'd rather he got it from me. (But am I destroying myself in the process?)

He seems to just.. look through me most of the time. This man who used to be my best friend... no, no, he IS my best friend, I don't think I could stick around if he wasn't, that man is still in there somewhere, I just don't know how to find him again.

I get hints of it now and then. He'll do something that... makes me remember. A funny text message, a kiss on the cheek, looking at me instead of through me, a smile... and it disappears again, like someone blowing out a candle. I don't know why I love him. That's a horrible thing to say.

I told him I did, and he laughed. "I just wish someone would love me." "I love you." It wasn't a joke, what started out as friendly, joking laughter became something almost... viscious. "I don't want your fucking love." I don't know if that's true, or part of this hideous barrier he's been constructing for god knows how long.

I should never have agreed to this. I shouldn't consent to it time and time again, when I know that it will feel like someone's hollowing out my heart like a pumpkin. Sometimes it seems so loving, like with every touch there's a wave of heat and desire... but more and more now, it's like he's so absent, no connection, there in body, but feeling nothing. My body still yearns for those sweeter times, and doesn't seem to understand where they've gone. My head knows that he could be a lost cause, but my heart... my foolish heart... remembers.

previous entry: dirty.

next entry: Nothing's changed, I still love you. Only slightly less than I used to, my love.

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I take it you live with him then? He is obviously going through something, and is self-harming himself with alcohol/ciggarettes. Maybe he just needs time to get his head straight, but in the mean time, be careful.

"But am I destroying myself in the process?"

You may be... I know you love him, and you care for him. Just be careful. Be there for him, but also protect yourself cos in the end alls you have is yourself. You are number one.

Hope this makes sense.

♥Lacy

[ღMonsoon|0 likes] [|reply]

You write so incredibly eloquently, it breaks my heart all the more.

It can be so much more difficult to deal with people who were, and are so close to us. Often times we blur the lines between where they begin and we end, or at the very least, where caring for someone else and caring for yourself begin and end. I can tell you love him, and that's so hard, but you have to take care of yourself. You have to keep yourself healthy, you can't let him do this to you. The thing of it is, after he's pulled himself back together, and after he's figured it out - it will be impossible for you to ever have a healthy or loving relationship with him, because there will be so much pain there. So much hurt. You'll resent him - and you won't be able to forgive him. Sometimes walking away now, ensures that there is a later.

No one can tell you what to do. You aren't asking for anyone to tell you, you're looking for it in yourself. I can see that.

Take care of yourself. You can't help him get better until you do.

[Saoirse!Star|0 likes] [|reply]


Ita a tampon fairy monkey, there is a tampon coming out of a rip I made haha

I click every egg I see, please click mine.
http://dragcave.net/user/xkurtcobain220x
Adopt one today!Adopt one today!Adopt one today!Adopt one today!

[grunge.Star|0 likes] [|reply]

I have had experience with a man like this before...and the situation reminds me of what I'm going through right now with Bobby as well. Just let him know that you're there for him. It's hard to watch the one we love go down a path of self-destruction, unable to do anything to help but wanting so badly to save them from the rock bottom they are about to hit. But sometimes they have to do that. It sounds like he's very down on himself, depressed, and trying to fill the hole in his soul...as we all are...I know that I use things to fill the hole in my soul as well... The only thing that you can do is make the choice to be there for him and watch it happen - or walk away. But walking away is the hardest thing that there is to do when you truly love someone. Protect yourself so that if it doesn't turn out well that you're not completely devastated yourself and end up following him right down that path. That's usually how it works...something happens that sends us on that road. It's not like we have everything going for us, a wonderful job, a lovely life and family, money, love, people, etc...and then wake up and say "I'm miserable suddenly." It usually takes something to trigger it - a death, a divorce, a breakup, a bad accident, losing a job.... It's the same principle of waking up and being suddenly happy with every aspect of your life. It's a journey either up or down that road, but with going down the road it's usually triggered by some tragedy...

*hugs* I wish I could help, but all I can do is be here for you to listen to you if you need a friend since I can relate.

[~*Jodi*~Star|0 likes] [|reply]

ryc: it was my once a year super sammich that's so good you know it's bad for you. makes me hungry looking at it too...

[LoserPalooza|0 likes] [|reply]

i'm so sorry. it's terrible when someone you love just seems to leave their body and becomes someone else gradually.

[& skull.Star|0 likes] [|reply]

ryc: sounds a bit too unstable as you say. perhaps it will be easier without the sex complicating things. sex is good at that. i hope you'll both be alright though.

[& skull.Star|0 likes] [|reply]

yeah that's exactly how i felt. it feels really good to help a stranger out

[MissStar|0 likes] [|reply]

I thought it ended on a positive note also, but I guess other people saw it differently - basically said that I should realize he's trying to get rid of me. Fine, then. I'll find someone else.

[~*Jodi*~Star|0 likes] [|reply]



i was here lurking around

you do have a way with words, despite the struggle that comes with relationships at times, hope it works out

[awesomesauceStar|0 likes] [|reply]

previous entry: dirty.

next entry: Nothing's changed, I still love you. Only slightly less than I used to, my love.

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