The last day of school before winter break my 11 year old brother rode the bus with his best friend and they talked about how excited they were for Christmas. An hour and a half later his best friend died. They were going down to a Christmas party at his dads work when someone "fell asleep" coming North to Sea Park. There are a lot of rumours the boy wasn't wearing a seatbelt that no one really wants to address and no one released the name of the driver who "fell asleep" at 4:30 in the afternoon. I heard it is because the driver was underage. I can only think of a few reasons a teenager might be falling asleep in a car at 4:30 on a Friday afternoon after the last day of school before break.
So the town was talking about it. My mom was devestated and of course so was my brother. Turns out I didn't need to worry about my new surprise sister being gossip fodder as throughout Christmas I heard many many discussions about the little boy who j and I used to see everyday biking up the dead end driveway that both of these kids shared. Now to leave the house my brother drives by his best friends everyday only his friend will never be there. And inevitably, his parents will see my brother at some point, maybe over the years and see this growing child when theirs is now and forever 11. It was gross to see people discussing this with my brother in the room. Let him breathe. Let Christmas be Christmas.
we got a few things from storage and it was like..some party favors I made and the photo album and my wedding guestbook. The rest was fucking all J's stuff. He got his pictures of his family members and quilts and tupperware of his shit. I lost it and smashed one of his frames, the photo is fine, the frame was already ugly as fuck so I don't care. I will replace it but fuck I wish I had more things to smash. I can't believe he gets even more of his shit. The only thing that was just mine was the photo album. I cry every day. I am trying to look forward. Thinking of all the furniture we can replace it with. Itis enraging that I grabbed his special keepsakes, and strangers did too, but I don't matter.
I don't have the champagne cork from our engagement the whole guild signed. I don't have the stupid plastic frog he won me on our first date. It's just more of his shit and I am just sad all the fucking time. I feel so unimportant. I can't even talk with anyone about it. I don't want my family to know what J did so I can't ask my mom to keep her eye out for people giving stuff away. I don't want to tell Kis because I don't want her to think anything bad about J. I know it was an accident but it doesn't change what happened. I am still so sad. I know someday it won't be this all encompassing feeling. I long very much for that time. Right now. I am just depressed. Like I was fine...and then just surprise, thrown into a cold lake. I crawl out and sit by the shore. My clothes clinging to me heavy and me dreading the idea of lake creepy crawlies in my shoes or hair and whenever I start to feel dry, I remember some stupid small item I miss and I'm thrown back in the lake and choking back sobs as I try to clambor back to shore. Also it is raining. Thats how I feel wet and cold on the side of a lake that I keep inexpicably getting thrown into in the muddy parts.
He also brought back my ring we had sized. The first time we had it sized a nice lady walked me through it and tried some on me and wiggled it to see if it was proper and danced through sizes til it was a perfect 7.75 After I had the baby my hands swelled and I got the ring stuck one day. I took it off and one time we went to the city and took it in. The girl who helped me was sick. Hacking sniffling. Running back in the back room to cough. The just handed me the sizer and it was like..super wide. I wondered if it was for mens rings it was so wide but there was a line and I felt pressured to make a choice. I ended up dancing between two sizes all on my own and did it myself. I should have asked for someone else to help me because she wasn't any help at all. I actually contacted the jewelry store the next day to talk about how fucking gross it was that someone who works with engagement rings all day was hacking all over and touching the ring sizer and handing it to me and that when your whole job is touching things people put on their hands they should have sent her home. She told me she was sick, she looked sick, she acted sick her coworkers were next to her cringing away. It was fucking gross. Only I said it all nice because I didn't want her fired but if everyone around her could tell she was sick the managers shouldn't have let her work in their high end fancy jewelry store that day. When J got the storage dregs he picked up my ring. I put it on and it just...fell off. I can't even wear my wedding ring. We can't afford to go to the city often where they size my ring for free from the shop I bought it at. So I haven't had my ring for the last 3 months and now I still don't have it even though its here.. So he walked in the door and it was like..heres your ring that doesn't fit and here is your one item from storage and my huge bundle of stuff from storage.
I know I am just a bucket of pity party right now. I am just desperately looking for a beam of light.