138 pounds this morning
Purging by exercising excessively
Overeating still
Thought about doing laxatives today
Talked myself out of it
After going down the aisle
Of the grocery store
With the medicines 3 times
Still looking at my exs facebook shit
Just plain stupid
Inflicting myself with pain
By looking at other peoples happiness
Feel so damn ugly
I don't know why it bothers me
I know I am not the only one
Who doesn't look like a model
But I feel like a hideous disgusting beast
I can't move past it
At any weight I will still be
A hideous disgusting beast
but I would rather be a thin one
Than a fat one
I'm pretty much convinced
I'm never going to be happy
Or find anyone to love or care about me
Hell, I'm lucky if I can maintain a friendship
At times I could will my heart to stop beating
All I have ever had is this
Controlling obsession with
Trying to look half as decent
As every other girl
To keep me company
I'm supposed to get the journal tomorrow
I think I used that
As a crutch to extend my behavior problems
For a few more days
The last hurrah
as if just finding the journal
In the mailbox
Will make me stop
using binging, laxatives, exercise
As a way to deal
But I do want to be the old me
The me who couldn't touch
A slice of pizza and handed to someone else
Without washing my hands for 4 times
I don't know why I want that
I just do |
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