Still Can't Deal

Still Can't Deal

First of all, thank you to everyone who left me comments on my first entry. I really appreciate the support and feedback on my situation. Sometimes even when you know you're right, it feels better to be validated. But even if it went the other way and I was in fact insane, being called out on that would have been cool too, haha! Its really awesome to be able to get other people's perspectives.

Kris and I came up with a schedule for him to see his son, for a few reasons... 1) He still doesn't have a job, but the few days he does attempt to go to labor ready or go out and search for work, he gets stuck with Luke. It wouldn't be such a big deal, but what tends to happen is Luke's mother refuses to come pick him up because she's going to the bar, or because she's got a party to go to, or Godzilla touches down in her front yard and she can't handle it. Then we have him for a stretch of days, and then the weekend comes, and there goes any opportunity Kris would have had to bring money into the house. Granted, he should be online searching for work, but that's another argument for another day. 2) I need a schedule for my own sanity. I've checked out, honestly. I don't really have much to do with Luke when he's here, and that's mainly because he's gross, he doesn't listen, and he has no desire to socialize with any other adult other than his doting father. So now, we'll get him Mondays, Tuesdays and every other weekend. Luckily for me, this is the weekend we have him... So, that means that we'll get him Friday night, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday until the evening. Someone please shoot me now. Boogers and tantrums for 5 days straight! YAY!

Work has been seriously shitty as well. I work in retail management, and I signed on to the the part time assistant a few months ago before our store was even built. We built the store in September, and I'm one of the few people remaining. My store manager has plans to quit in March, and the full time assistant quit a week ago. I do everything for that store- way more than I'm responsible for as a part time. That, and I'm extremely flexible... I change my plans weekly so that other people can get their shifts covered. I was up for the promotion, but there was rumors flying around the store that our manager would never promote me because she doesn't like me. I let the rumors go for a while, but eventually I confronted my manager about it because I deserve the promotion. I put it to her in the way of me asking what I could do to better myself on the job in order to get the promotion, and she basically said that she never said I wasn't qualified; that the other girls are being catty, etc, etc. Well, at this point, I knew I wasn't going to get it because by now we all know how our boss works. She talks a lot of shit about everyone and then she tries to save face. She was trying to make herself look great, and the others look like little gossipers by putting me in the running for the promotion at all, but I knew she never would choose me. She decided to bring her friend in from outside the company to take over the position. I feel like retail has officially run its course for me, and I need to figure out what the next avenue of my life is going to be. I don't even really want to be a manager anymore. One of the associates at work works full time for dunbar armored truck, and she told me to apply. She told me I'd love it. And its a dollar pay cut, BUT its more hours plus overtime with benefits and no weekends. I'm seriously considering applying. And hey, I'll get to carry a gun! As if that's what I need in my life.

And then my house exploded. When I first bought this house and moved in, literally two weeks later the sewage backed up overflowing raw sewage into my house several times a day for a month. Luckily eventually insurance kicked in and I was able to get everything cleaned up and the floors replaced, but now a pipe busted and the ceiling on my main floor is severely damaged. Its literally disintegrating, so the leak must have been there for some time. We found this yesterday, and later on I guess the same pipe further down exploded and rained down in the basement closet where my roommates keep their belongings... like, their special belongings. Computers, wedding things, special items that they don't want damaged.

Shit.

Hello again, insurance company! FML and this house. I'm ready to pack up and move to Puerto Rico. My family owns several houses there because my family all comes from there. There are some vacant houses that are still in our name because they decided to come here to the states, but otherwise my entire family lives in Puerto Rico, save for my mother, and grandmother who live up the street.

And the roommates! They leave mess wherever they go. Literally. I've cleaned the livingroom and the kitchen has been cleaned several times this week, but you'd never know it. I mean... trash everywhere, cigarette butts everywhere, food, crumbs, stains... My house looks like an episode of hoarders. Since I've moved into the house, my family won't come visit because it always stinks in here, and its always dirty. Its embarrassing for me, and for them... But I can't keep up cleaning after 4 other adults, 2 or sometimes 3 kids, and 2 dogs. I can't. My backyard, which is one of the biggest selling points for buying this property, is a giant mud pit. I have zero grass left. None. Just trash littered all over the place. Trash, broken things and mud. My roommates are going through a divorce because since buying this place, they decided they didn't want to be together anymore. Well, one of them had an affair, and the other is heartbroken. And the roommate they brought with them has no idea what she's going to do. She doesn't drive, and she doesn't have her own job. She works with one of the roommates doing a newspaper route.

And to end my rantings... I just get a really bad feeling about Kris. We got into a huge fight- the whole household was involved... It ended with me telling him that he can go out in the snow and rot as far as I was concerned. Another story for another day. But after that day, he's been 100% different. Still no intimacy, but that's not going to happen, nor what I know what to do at this point if it did. I don't really WANT him to touch me anymore. But anyway, other than that he's been the boyfriend he should have been all along lately! I know its probably self sabotage, but I don't think that someone can change in less than 24 hours. You can't go from having complete avoidance to being completely attentive overnight. You don't all of a sudden decide you want your girlfriend after not wanting her to the point that you try to go back to your ex overnight. It doesn't happen, especially when all we do is argue. And I've been having paranoid nightmares. They wake me up at night. That, and Kris set my computer to automatically erase history. And I also found porn downloaded to my computer a week ago... Porn that wasn't porn. It was a virus. So, I've spent my morning trying to get a hold of the insurance company and battling malware.

I'm downloading a keylogger on my computer. Its stupid, right? I just feel like I need to know whats going on and I don't. I hate having to feel like I have to be sneaky to get honesty. And, I hate not wanting to be in my own home. My home is trashed, there isn't any food... literally, no food, nothing to drink... What am I supposed to do for the kids? I have no money because I have to pay two mortgages this month... I'm at the end of my rope. The serious end of it. Sorry this entry has been so negative. I feel like 2015 so far has NOT been my year. I wish I could fast forward a few months and not have to deal with it, because I can't.

Can't even deal right now.