Can't Even Deal

01/24/2015

I feel like a horrible person. I needed a place to come share my bad qualities with little judgement, so here I am. Haha. No, in all seriousness, I feel like a terrible, no good individual. I'm stuck between my own moral compass and my selfishness... Like, there is a balance between the two. Doing what is right for yourself, and doing what is right for others.

Of course my story is about a boy. It usually is with us, isn't it? I started dating this guy recently, and as it turns out there is a whole lot more to his story than my average date. Dating turned into him moving into my house rather quickly because at the time it just made sense. He was here, he was offering to contribute to my family, so he might as well join it. Seemed logical to me. My family and I have the bad habit of picking up strays. That's what our grandparents say. We have an overly giving nature that gets us into trouble... and it found me.

K's biggest issue as a human being is that he's a recovering heroine addict, so he's on the methadone program. Since he's moved in he hasn't been able to find work. He's the type to sit and play video games all the time instead of contributing to the household. He's gotten much better, but only after a major malfunction that occurred recently. I was on my deathbed with the flu, and he was trying to get back together with his ex. He stole the money for my mortgage, refused to return my car until it was a good time for him, and I decided to throw him back out onto the street where I found him. He called crying to come home- literally, and a lot of things came out that I didn't know about. He lied about where he was living previously; He was homeless. He lied about a lot of things not only to me, but also to his ex which also came out. And with that, he said he was having a grass is greener moment. But he swears he didn't take my mortgage money. He swears it just up and walked away. I'm sure it did.

Despite all that, K and I don't have you're average relationship. At this point, it feels more like a sleep's in my bed roommate type of situation. He doesn't help me out much, and he's turned my bedroom which was once my little sanctuary in the craziness of life into a disaster zone. Dishes and trash everywhere, diapers, clothes, whatever else. Granted, I make my own share of the mess and that's true, but its never been THIS bad. I had organized mess. It was my organized mess. But now its literally chaos. And our sex life is nonexistent. We don't even hold hands. Nothing. We barely even speak to each other anymore, and I don't really desire his company. I understand its a side affect of the methadone he takes and the other drugs he's prescribed, but sex is important to a relationship. I feel like every day that goes by, I get more comfortable with not feeling attached to him in any sort of way. He recently got a new treatment clinic for his addiction and methadone treatment, and his new doctor wants me to start coming to his visits. She wants me to be an active part of his recovery. I feel like that's a lot to ask of a person... Like, I do my part here at home. I'm here for him. I support him. But I feel as if actually going to the facility and being present for his treatment and therapy sessions makes me more bound to this whole situation.

Anyway, so K moves in, and with him comes his son. His son doesn't live with us; He lives with his mother. The problem is that I hate this kid. He's only 2, and it makes me feel terrible to feel so strongly against him. I don't know why I dislike him so much, but just hearing his name fills me with dread. I actually like kids. I have a son who's 4, and a niece that lives with me who's also 2. For some reason, I don't like this little boy. Perhaps its because when we first started getting him, his behavior was terrible. That too has gotten a lot better, but despite my searching I just can't find any love for this child. Maybe its because he is my indirect guilt trip. I know that if I break up with K, not only is K out on the streets but in a way, his son is too. His son doesn't have the best home life with his mother- from what I can gather, she loves him but doesn't parent him if that makes any sense. He's grown leaps and bounds since he's been spending time with my family, and we've gone out of our way to buy him clothes and care for him as if he was one of our own. His mother doesn't even purchase the boy clothes. I feel as if for the little guy's sake, I can't break up with K. In order for K to continue to see his son, K needs to be here. And now that we've invested so much time, money and energy into this pair, I feel guilt at the thought of sending them away. But its not my responsibility. I've made it into my responsibility. The truth is, I want nothing to do with either one of them... I tolerate K, but his son, I really want nothing to do with. I don't know why, and I keep trying, but its just not coming. Its just not there.

I read this forum where lots of women felt the same way, and they also felt as guilty as I do. One woman put it blatantly that her significant other's son was not hers, would never be hers, did not come from her and therefore she could not love him. I don't feel as if that's the case for me. I love my niece with all my heart even when she gets on my last nerve. She's not even my legitimate niece- she's my best friend's daughter. I can really hang out with that little princess. But K's son... When its time to get him again, I do everything I can to not be home. I pick up extra shifts at work, I run to the grocery store... I go hang out in my roommate's room. Whatever I can do to get out, I do it. And that all makes me a monster.

Bah. Its one of those things where either way, I feel like crap. I feel bad for feeling bad. I feel bad because I'm unhappy. I feel bad that the situation even makes me unhappy. I feel lonely. I feel selfish. I feel trapped. I'm broke for the first time ever because he sucks up all my money, both intentionally and unintentionally.

Reason's why K gets on my nerves:
1) He won't get a job
2) He obsessively plays playstation instead of cleaning the house, or trying to find a job
3) He drinks all the milk. Literally.
4) He's a proven liar and most likely... 99.7% sure he stole the money for my mortgage which has put us all in a bind. And I'm a grudge holding bitch. I can't help it. I've let it go as far as anyone knows though.
5) There is zero intimacy in our relationship, and if he so much as touches my pillow at night I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable. Too late, too close.
6) He's argumentative
7) He full of intention with no delivery; ... I planned to do this, but then this happened. I started to do that, but then... Oh, I'll do it tomorrow (next year)
8) He doesn't think about others before he does something. For example, a small example, but an example nonetheless... He drinks a third of the milk knowing that we don't have enough money to buy more considering we have 2- sometimes 3 children. He doesn't consider that the children might need something healthy to drink. However, my roommates tend to eat up the last of everything, and then complain that there isn't anything cook, so I can't fault him there. But again, we all work for that milk and food. He doesn't. And its kind of an unspoken word around here that some things are for the kids. We can have some of it, but its for the kids.

Reason's why K is awesome:
1) He's extremely pretty... Like, probably the prettiest man I've ever been with. He's so pretty, I don't dare look at him longer than a second because I'm afraid I'll stare and make things awkward. But, if we were intimate and close and attached, I could stare at him forever. He's THAT pretty. He's so pretty he makes me judge myself. Haha not that he cares, because he doesn't want to touch me.
2) He loves kids and will happily watch all of our children while we do something else
3) He's generally a positive person, which makes tolerance possible.

So I say nothing. I say nothing to anyone because its not even worth it. I just ignore it and hope it'll all go away or sort itself out. A few weeks ago, my sort of ex, R, came to visit unexpectedly. He knew K was here, but K didn't even bother hanging out. All K did was sit upstairs and play video games. He had no problem with it at all. But R, he'll probably never come back because I acted like a complete fool. He couldn't keep his hands off me, and while nothing really happened between us, I was so giddy and retarded that I probably scared him away. And I let him touch me. I let him cuddle me and pull me in. I let him hold me and grab me... He kissed me, just once, and I couldn't help but melt into him. Like, the kind of melt where your eyes cross, and you feel the weight of yourself on your knees as if they could just give out any second. I was completely stupid mush. I just missed so much that feeling of being wanted, and that feeling of wanting someone, and fun. And laughing. I miss laughing. All we did was laugh and play, and run around with the kids. Him and my roommate got into a cleaning supply battle... They ran around the house, him spraying Katie with windex and Katie spraying him with Lysol. It was hilarious. Thinking about it makes me sad. Not about R, but that feeling. That sensation I don't get with K. I literally feel nothing except for guilt, and bad, and irritation.

I don't even know.

I can't even.

I can't even deal with this right now.