Stressed & Hoping This Helps

Something has been wrong with me for probably the last 6 weeks and no one knows what it is. I'm dizzy all the time, but it's not Vertigo. That means the room is spinning, and I'm not spinning, I'm rocking.

I had an MRI done, which I was a nervous wreck about because it was my first one. I've been a nervous wreck since I started feeling like shit because something is wrong and they don't know what! I saw an ENT yesterday. She wants me to get some other tests done and wanted to do an MRI. But I'm going to see what my other tests say because I really don't want another MRI. If you had one done, how different is the other one going to be? It doesn't make sense. Mom says it's because they don't like reading something a different doctor ordered. Who knows.

So this ENT gave me a prescription for something. I think it's a relaxor. Well obviously I'm stressed and can't relax because I don't know what's wrong with me. I guess I'll try one of the pills tonight. She also thinks I'm depressed, because I couldn't remember how long my MRI test took and that I'm not paying attention to what's going on around me. Um... What? I'm not depressed, but I know I'm feeling down. Who wouldn't be? But to say that I don't know how long the test took.... Well no shit! I didn't have a clock to look at, I've never had one before. All I know is that I listened to 5 or 6 songs, which are 3 or 4 minutes long, which would be about 20 minutes. She even asked if I was laying there twiddling my thumbs... Well no because I was told not to move!

She kind of hinted around that I shouldn't be working, but I need to pay my bills some how! I have to use my week of vacation by the end of month, so I'm using it next week, so I won't be working anyways. She says I shouldn't drive, but it's only half a mile to work, so I'm going to. I won't drive to Olean or drive my self to tests or anything.

She also said that something had to be going on before this started, but I'm not saying what it was. I don't think I was stressing that much about anything... I've had more stressful times in my life before and nothing ever came from it. Then again, I was also writing in here. Hm...

Right before this started I guess I was stressing about Jen. They can't pay their rent and I feel bad for the kids. We didn't grow up that way and it's not fair for her kids to go through that. Just last night she told Mom they were behind on their rent again, so she said to send them money. So I guess I do stress about that...

And last semester I went back to OBI and took 2 classes to get updated. Lindsey and I had talked about maybe moving somewhere together this Spring. So maybe I'm stressing about that and don't realize that it's bothering me? I really want to move and start fresh, but I don't know where I want to go. And if Lindsey doesn't move, then I have to do it all on my own.

In October I had a scare. My leg hurt and since I was taking Yaz, I thought blood clot. Well I had an ultrasound done and I was fine. I stopped taking it, so what if this is something from that? I didn't bring that up at the doctor, though. Even Melissa thought that it could have something to do with that. But... I stopped taking Yaz towards the beginning of October, and this didn't started until December or so. Maybe it takes that long to get out of your system?

Then there's Mark.... Last year at this time he just all of a sudden stopped talking to me. I eventually told myself that I didn't need him in my life and he knew how to get a hold of me. Well in June he came back. I didn't know what to do. I was happy. I was pissed. I was upset. He said he didn't know about 'us', except there was never an 'us'! We didn't talk long, and said we would talk about it later, but we never did. Every time I brought it up he changed the subject or that ended the conversation.

At first things were still weird and I always let him initiate the conversation. But then it felt like we never had that "break" and things were back to normal. Except the last few weeks he's been a little distant again, and the last few times I've sent him a txt he hasn't answered... So now I feel like it's going to be a repeat of last year. I know work has been crazy for him, but he would still txt me and let me know or say he missed me, and now it's nothing... I guess if I don't say anything to him for a while he might txt me, because that's what I've done the last few times. I just wish he wasn't an asshole sometimes.

I think what hurts is that he knew I had an MRI done and something is wrong with me, and he couldn't even ask how my test went or how I'm feeling. But I know he has his own life and he's busy, and that's just not what we ever talk about. It's just that every time my phone goes off I wish it was him and it never is, and then I just feel disappointed.

I think I'll continue writing in here and see how I feel. Because a lot of the things I wrote about are things that I don' discuss with anyone and they just get bottled up inside me. Especially things with MARK. Can I scream now?