so if you read my previous entry you will know that i still live with my ex-boyfriend. Now he has a new girlfriend, a girl who is a fellow art major and so i know her fairly welll. She comes over quite a bit and i don't like it. He told me back when we were breaking up that if either of us were to start dating anyone again that we would not bring the new person to the apartment to avoid the other person being uncomfortable. what happened to that?! i asked him about that and he said that he meant that as that he wasn't going to make out with her in front of me. would he make out with her in front of anyone anyways? i don't think so. so i guess i don't understand what he meant by that.....i just know that she has a fucking annoying laugh and like gets exciting about everything or whatever. stupid shit like that. and it's driving me crazy that she's here. he's been sleeping over at her apartment and apparently she's been sleeping her a couple times too. Great. Thanks Tim for telling me that. know i get the image in my head of them having sex or whatever and i don't like it. This whole thing is driving me crazy. I don't think i have any sort of feelings left for tim at all whatsoever, but if i don't then why the fuck do i still care about this so much? why can't i just let it all go. forget about him? hopefully that will be easier in about a month when i get to move out of here and leave this fucking place forever. i can't wait. hopefully i will be able to find someone new and forget about him. and hopefully the new person will make me feel the way tim never did. i hope so....i just have so much low self esteem right now. i have no friends. no boyfriend. i'm stupid. god i'm such a loser. i don't really feel like i have anyone to talk to.
yesterday i had a little bit of a boost of self esteem. i went to the grocery store to get some chinese food and while i was waiting for it, this guy came up to me and said "i think you are just so beautiful." i said thank you and then he asked me if i was single. I felt a little uncomfortable but i was about to answer him when the lady behind the counter asked me something and so i took my food and left quickly. when i was in line to pay, i noticed he was waiting at the door for me. when i reached him he said "i'm not letting you leave until you answer my question. are you single?" and I said that i wasn't single but thank you for calling me beautiful. and then he said "don't lie to me. you are single." and i just tried to get to my car as fast as i could. even though i did feel very comfortable talking to him, i wish more guys thought that. or that more guys made more of a bold statement like that.
then today i got a drop in self esteem. i was in the class that i really dont' like. it's a history class but not your normal history class where the teacher lectures the whole time. it's a discussion class where you talk about what happened and why it happened. well i got asked a question that i really did not know the answer to. and i felt really stupid especially because i didn't even really know what the question was asking. I somehow got out of him but i just felt like a complete idiot. and i am. i am a complete idiot. how can i compeletely change myself? i would love to do that. or someone just teach me to love myself as i am. because it's kind of hard to do.
lately too i've been thinking a lot about reality and what is really real and what isn't. it's hard to explain but the main part of my thinking is about death. i am so completely and utterly afraid of dying. no one really knows what happens when you die and i have no idea either and that scares me. i would like to think that my faith in christianity will help me but i don't even know if that is true anymore or not. why do people believe in god? has anyone actually like ever talked to or seen him? we're just basing our religion on some stories from a long time ago? is that smart? this scares me too because my family is very religious and i was raised as a lutheran that went to church every sunday. now this doubt is something so different than what i'm used to.
another part of my thinking is that how do you know that any of this is real? are my friends and family real? or are they just made up in my mind? why am i even on this earth? it's just so weird to think that when i'm going to die that i won't be here anymore. what happens to my soul?
well i guess that's all i have to say for now. i'm sure i think of more later.
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