No...he totally doesn't know...(yeah right...)

08/26/2013

'Why am I listening to you anyway?...you're a virgin who can't drive...'~Clueless

Okay soo I've been around...but only briefly....I hate writing things out with my cell on here cause while I'm writing the internet cuts off and I lose the stuff I wrote or I don't get all of it and really don't care to re-write stuff...lol..and since I have no computer...this is a problem for me...lol. I used to be a good lil diary entry writer back when I had a computer but thats no longer the case...

Oh and my comments haven't been making it through either...My family bothers me alot sometimes or I just end up having to go somewhere...my cell is off...I don't pay it...theres no real reason for me to pay it to be honest...no one calls or texts......lol...unless its my family...which gets annoying since its usually cause their bored and they want something...lol.

Anywayz...Soo I'm having a bitch of a time not swooning after Al...and its really annoying. Now he has a instagram and I'm soo curious but I don't have one...I can't even find my camera...and even if I did...I lent my batteries for it out and never got them back...those batteries are hard to find and kinda out of range of my budget...and well as much as I do love taking pictures and have been wanting an instagram account...now it just feels wrong...like I'm no longer getting it for myself like I previously wanted before he got one..like he's my motivation and thats just ugh...yeah..I'm not gonna do it...if later I decide to have one...it'll be because I wanted one and not because he has one...soo I'm just not gonna do it right now..But OMG he just posted a pic with his niece and they look soo cute! I had been wondering how big she was now. He was always soo cute when he'd talk about her. X3 ....hehe. He's the adoring uncle.......its just adorable. Still...I can't make an account anyway...my cell is breaking down...and I'm too broke to buy a new one...lol.

Other things...I dreamt the guy from Mcdonalds...:/..I'm not sure its because my grandpa said a month ago that one day that boy is gonna say he likes me or because I think he's kinda cute but like I would never be all 'swoony' over him...thats my cousins' 'boo'...lol. And its just wrong...but in my dream he was interested...when I woke I was all 'oh hell no...you are not gonna crush on another guy...! Al is enough...besides you really don't like him like that...he's cute but in an induring kinda way...Ooo and I LOVE teasing my cousin...} ...hehe...but my grandpa thinks the guy likes me...I don't think so. He's just really good at his job and figures I'm crushing on him soo he's being extra nice to me...besides its his job to be nice to people and I was a regular thanks to my grandpa's need for Mcdonalds ice caramel mocha...Soo yeah he says 'Hi' and waves at me...and asks how I am and asks what has me around...etc....but yeah...he probably thinks I like him...thanks to my reactions to my cousin liking him...which...I end up smiling alot Alot when I pull up and he's the guy at the window...and I come off awkward because I know my cousin likes him and I'm trying to figure if I can tell him that or not...(not mean...she totally wants me to....cause shes a chicken...lol. I'm not one to talk but for miss confident-hair flippin-giggle-girl...its kinda funny...).

Soo I was on youtube...and I came across some stuff about 'How you can tell if a shy girl likes you...'...and well since the norm doesn't fit me...I figured I take a look...and lol....it does....I learned something from it...I am the shy girl.(no shit...). Soo yeah I can speak to any guy fine...I can even sound flirtatious...but I'm not...ha...! To know I like someone I have to be painfully bashful,blushy, awkward, and can't seem to talk. Like I draw blanks as to what to say...(believe me this kills me on a daily...). Now with Al...I could talk to him...when it came to work related things...with people around...BUT...if it was just me and him...and I needed to give him my number...ahem for work reasons...I must of turned every shade of red....my heart raced...I felt like I was gonna faint due to the elevated blood pressure surging through my body and for some reason, pooling in my cheeks...I was all 'umm..I got a... cellphone..soo...uh..I guess..umm...I should give it to...umm.. you...?...'...my voice was all shakey...and well he just stared with an amused look...and was like 'yeah...sure...'....I gave it to him....and he was like 'You want me to call you? Soo you know that it's me?'...I was beyond able to deal soo I said 'no...its okay...uh..I'll know...heh...ok bye!' and I left...lol.(>_<...Coward!).

Soo yeah that was obvious wasn't it?...lol....I might as well had said 'I like him' right off.....smh...anywayz...why would something like that make me incredibly nervous?..Well because typically...a number exchange means something more...and since Al (in my mind) is something more to me...it felt like I was hitting on him...and I didn't want him thinking that...lol...I'm sure he was well aware of my crush...the objects of my affection usually are...(dicks...lol.). Funny thing is no one else was because I purposely avoided talking to him about anything personal in front of my nosey co-workers...lol.

Problem is when would I get my 'alone' time with him...?.(rarely)..he says I'm a hard one to crack when it comes to talking but thats not entirely true. He's just really busy soo I don't continue talking when I see he needs to do something and doesn't need distractions...Now maybe I just had bad luck or the other girls didn't care (they didn't typically care)...but my convo's always got cut off and I don't fight for attention with people when they suddenly step into the convo...I'm a Leo...we're above that...typically...lol...and well...I didn't need everyone knowing....One girl in particular...because she made me her enemy when she decided I got her taken off inventory...(I didn't as I stated before)...well she was already ratting on Al all the time to another lead in our department....to the point...(and I could be assuming)...that he started to pick on me....I mean really...he made corrections to me...talked to me like I was missing something or dumb...and he didn't do that to others....he didn't do it all the time....just some times. Until one day he realized how much of a dick he was being and said 'I've been picking on you...Haven't I?...'...me...'Yes..you have...'...lol...he apologized and hugged me...and after that his picking on me wasn't him being a dick...it was him teasing...lol.

That day I think I got a shitload of stuff done...that he had to admit I was worthy of Al's praise. I had been taken off inventory during that time because 'other people need to learn how to do it too and what if you don't come in?'...yeah I never missed work...lol....but ok...I stepped away from it and let everyone learn...did I worry I fucked up? Yes...of course but it was out of my hands...and soo I was just gonna do what everyone else is doing and get my shit done. That day we had alot of boxes of shoes to inventory and since the girls were new to it and had no idea what they were doing...I figured I make it easier...I made sure most of everything was laid out before they counted...when everyone was 'ok' with what was there...I continued to work...Richard (the guy picking on me)...noticed what I was doing and that I was ok with doing it myself without help. I don't whine or complain...I don't decide I can't do shit because I'm a girl...nope. I lifted those heavy ass boxes (the right way..I'm not stupid)...and took them to their areas...I memorized the location of each style and color...soo I knew where everything went..Which the others used to marval at....*eyeroll*.Richard stopped me and told me to have the guys help...thats what they are there for he said...By my own observation...I know the guys are lazy most of the time but I took his instruction and made the guys help me....We got it laid out quick and the count was waaay more accurate....which didn't happen that often during that time. Oh and Richard picked on me that day because everyone else was ordering from a resturant and I chose not to...he called me 'plan jane'...lol.(whatever...).I'm not a 'one with the crowd' type of girl and I didn't have money to blow on some crappy food...and boy was it crappy...alot of them were unhappy....teehee. Soo yeah I guess he felt he'd been too harsh on me....

Anywho...where was I?...oh yeah...I couldn't let that girl find out I liked Al because she would of told Richard it was favortism or teased me and embarrassed me....And to this day..I don't believe Al favored me over anyone because of my person...I was just the better worker and he knew he could depend on me....She decided one day she hated me and worked to make my life harder....I rarely did things wrong and Al was pretty discreet when I made mistakes. (He told me in private.). She seemed to create ways to blame me for her mess ups...but whatever.


I must of hid my crush on Al well from the others cause...no one called me on it..(it still shocks me to know that)...I had alot of close calls...like when Kitty asked Al if he thinks I'm prettier when I smile or not...and I quickly made an exit cause I couldn't handle him saying anything like that and I didn't like him being put on the spot. I mean I'm sure it would be a girls dream to hear the guy of their affection thinks they're pretty but I didn't need it. I was already awkward..It could of been another awkward moment like when I gave him my number...(for work reasons)...Kitty thought I was being rude cause she was being nice...and well thankfully Al...covered?...for me...:/....he told her 'Melissa's shy....but it is funny we don't know if she was thanking you for the compliment or me for the boxes...'...lol. Yeah...I have to admit...I did that smooth....lol. You'd think I told her she was ugly (which she isn't at all...she's gorgeous...I totally hate her for that...but she's sweet...soo she's forgiven....even if Al has an interest in her...it's not her fault...) the way she got all huffy cause I didn't know how to take her compliment...:/... Another time was when all the girls were making the guys their 'work boo' for fun...and I was asked who would mine be...I lied and said no one and stayed quiet....no one pressed it and well I didn't want the added pressure of them knowing or Al thinking I was weirder than before...(awkward)....This other time with kitty...I remember she said I should rebel against my family (cause they're over protective) by wearing...(I kid you not)...high heels, a mini skirt, and all made-up....Uh...yeah..no. I'm a heavy girl...I was 245lbs during that time...there is no waaay in hell that'd be ok...Al was sitting right there and I'm sure he didn't need the visual. I looked at her and told her...'uh...yeah not gonna happen...I KNOW what I look like and I have no business wearing a mini skirt....'....besides my family.. they care but they don't care.. what I wear....if that makes any sense. I've worn (when I was 140lbs..) a corset, skin tight black pants, black make-up,and platform heels for Halloween...I was a slutty vampire...lol. Or thats what I called it...they weren't my clothes...they were hand-me downs from my uncle's ex girlfriend...lol. My family thought I looked cute...lol. I felt over exposed...but sexy...hehe..

Why did I let my weight get soo out of my control...or notice...?...If I just maintained it...I'd be in good shape...:/....

*sigh*...Losing the weight is waaay harder....I only lose weight easier when I'm happy....and thats rare....getting motivated to lose weight now...well its just hard to get in that mind set without help. What makes me happy...?...Apparently guys I potentially like...I lost weight work with Al cause well I liked him and didn't really know it at first....I lost weight again when I was talking to Jesse cause I was excited about the attention.....ugh...I don't want to have to talk to some random guy in hopes it'll stirr things in me to cause the weightloss....Lol..thats just sad...I need to figure out how to do it without a male's attention/motivation...lol...How the 'f' do I do that tho?....I've been trying to make myself happy for years...but I always stop things before I really get into them because of family 'stuff'....I can't simply put myself first....its too hard...I believe my therapist said I had co-dependency issues...lol. And soo does my family with me....example:

I started a new job last week....guess what?...I quitted after the first day....why?...number of reasons...but mainly... I had to pay the rent...I had to grocery shop....I had to put money my uncle spend (that I didn't have) back in my bank account cause for some reason he had been able to order things off ebay and pay for them without me....smh...I nearly went overdraft....oh and the most important thing...my grandpa was sleeping ALL day!....12hrs everyday..without a day off..for goodness knows how long....(illegal probably but thats how companies treat their agency workers...)...and if you don't like it...there's the door...I can't allow my grandpa to give up and die....(sounds dramatic but I see husbands and wives die soon after each other alot...and I know my grandpa misses my grandma tremendessly..)...

I need him...as selfish as that sounds..its true. Without him....I'm more lonely than ever....I have lots of family...people who would gladly be a part of my life but....none of them can be there for me like my grandpa....they all have their own lives...they could careless about me most of the time unless I'm not doing something they want....with my grandpa....I can be myself...I don't have to put on a front...he gets me....we lean on each other...he keeps me going and I keep him going...Without him...I'd have no reason to fight to live....I have to have a reason and he is my reason...did I every mention I'm suicidal?...not something people tell others but this is a diary...why not?....I get to places where I'm soo depressed I'll literally stand in the kitchen with a knife at my wrists wondering how hard I'd have to press to...yeah...or sometimes I stand with a bottle of pills and wonder if they're the pills that can stop your heart....its aweful to feel that way...it definately makes me feel bad for thinking those things...but I get tired of not knowing what to do...I feel trapped...and its me who has me trapped....On one hand...I do what I want...everything goes to shit....my grandpa gets sick and dies of loneliness..I feel like shit...and guilty......on the other hand I do whats expected...I keep my grandpa going...I try to figure out a balance...I feel resentful towards everyone else for being irresponsible and having a life....but things get done....still I'm miserable...and somewhat alone....(things just got dark....=/..)

Idk....^--that just makes me worry....I'm not forever feeling like that...I just have my pity sessions sometimes....smh. I need to do stuff that makes me feel like I'm doing something worth it....But I feel conflicted...I wish I can switch off my overly thinking brain sometimes and just enjoy my moment....

Today wasn't too bad...lol. I need sleep but other than that and me mourning my books..lol. I'm good. I had to return the Fifty Shades series because someone else reserved them...and my grandpa has been wanting to go everywhere with me that I haven't had time to read them...Today he didn't care to go with me...but I couldn't finish the first book...I got to chapter 17....shm...I suck...but I was enjoying myself (not like that perves!)....I was content being alone for a bit...reading...away from home...and family....I listened to some music and found some new fav's on the radio...it wasn't much but I felt great when I got home..all smiles and silliness...lol. I need a new plan on reading those books...I have an old nook....maybe I can borrow it from the Los Angeles central library online?....huh...idk..I need to look into it.

I enjoyed my b-day and friday I actually took my grandpa out on a date for my belated b-day outing...lol. I'm such a loser...lol...but thats ok...I had fun. I enjoyed the movie we saw 'The Mortal Instruments'...and we ate out.... Soo what I had to pay for everything...including a birthday cake...it wasn't bad. And it'd suck more if I did nothing. (^-^)...

Aside from all that...I'm thinking of hitting up the red cross about me donating blood again...my number has changed soo they don't have it to call me....I'm gonna look into volunteer work too...not just in something like libraries...but...I also want to do something charitable....I've always been interested...its just I always had my hands full with my grandma and family.

I'm gonna start working out and I really wanna try that squat challenge...My butt has looked waay better before than it has been lately....and I have a big ass...:/...I didn't really know that...lol...lately...well for the past 3 years...people have been pointing it out...my mom even smacked my butt a few days ago...(I feel soo violated)...she said she couldn't resist...its just there...smh...-__-'..I need to lose a bit of weight...and get more in shape.

My 'one' day of work taught me that my weight is an issue...cause my feet felt bruised the next day after 12 hours of working. Mind you its normal but my weight made it harder. Plus I get shakey. I've never been to a doctor about it...but when I don't eat enough...my body shuts down...sorta...I get shakey, emotional, weak, and have no energy to finish. It makes it hard to work long hours. When I worked with Al I was eating better..(meaning alot more). My body had already been broken in due to my previous job. I had brand new broken in shoes. And..well I wasn't starting off with 12 hour shifts...hell I wasn't starting off with 10 hour shifts.It was an 8 hour shift and my uncle picked me up...and it wasn't far from home.

Oh well next time will be better...