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My Thoughts on My Life
by Ufie Dufie

previous entry: Moving home

next entry: Happy Holidays

Is it wrong of me to want stability?

11/04/2009





strike

So a lot of stuff has happened in the short span of a month. Most of it isn't good either. Then again that is just how my life seems to work. I came home knowing that it wasn't the same as it was before I moved away for years earlier. I'd be stupid to think that it would be, but to what I came back to is like a slap in the face. At the age of 25 I am facing having to work on my parents will, my mothers disability claims, their living trust and a couple more things that no child should have to deal with until like never. I worry about so many things now I don't think my body knows how to relax, so I'm this tight bundled stress ball. Not to mention that I am very suicidal again. Started to creep up slowly, the smallest of thoughts to now I really shouldn't be sleeping with a gun case of 9 different, loaded guns. It would just be too easy. Whats stopping me? Hell if I truly know anymore. What I can tell you is the second my mother dies and all the arrangements she wanted for her 'funeral' I'll have a bullet in my head. More if I can actually manage. Going through all of this alone isn't good. I don't know who I can turn to that will actually give a shit about it. I don't trust half my friends, most of them stabbed me in the back so why would I? And its not like my boyfriend is there for me either, don't know why I still say he is my boyfriend. He for the last couple of weeks has barely acknowledged me. Blows off seeing me saying he is sick or whatnot. Is it so fucking wrong of me to want some stability in my life of chaos? I guess it is since nothing is in the world of chaos that has swallowed me whole and will not let go. Might just be a good idea to have a bullet in my head. Won't care or feel a damn thing I do now.



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previous entry: Moving home

next entry: Happy Holidays

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I am so sorry. I can imagine how hard it is going through this alone.

[crazy◘dazy|0 likes] [|reply]

Its not wrong at all.

I am sorry you feel you have no one there for you, writing is a good way of letting it out. A gun isn't it xxx

[lilmissmupStar|0 likes] [|reply]

I'm sorry you feel so alone.

I hope that you can find some people who will not let you down or stab you in the back. I know how it feels to think everything is wrong and nothing is stable. I have been there but killing yourself will not solve anything. There are people who love you and you would only be punishing them.

Keep trying and keep on going. Things will get better for you.

[feisty one.Star|0 likes] [|reply]

ryc: It's better to write about it at least to get it out. I understand it's hard to talk about things like that to people even if they are friends. I hope things get better for you. ♥Brittany

[crazy◘dazy|0 likes] [|reply]

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