A long time coming

A long Time Coming

I keep meaning to write this entry. I don't know why I am so scared to open myself up. It's not like I can be hurt anymore that I have been already. I guess that I just might be afraid that I won't be whole again.

I should start from well the start.. I'm Michelle and I am 24 years old. I am a divorcee coming on 3 years now. I have a been through a lot in the past 4 years, most of which I wish no one would ever have to. It changed who I was and changed me into someone that I am not sure I am comfortable being. I am still struggling with who I am now. I used to be an easy going, friendly person. Now I am in a shell where I trust no one and don't go out of my way to be friendly. The easy going attitude has been replaced with on that I easy lose my patience and get angry quickly. I know that everyone grows and changes their entire life, but it shouldn't been in such a short period of time or to be such polar opposites.

I have let myself become this person that is hollow inside. My heart is black and cold and is under lock and key. Then add the depression and other mental issues I am dealing with I'm like a ticking time bomb. More harmful to myself than to anyone else. Thoughts that go through my head every second of the day keep me dragged down to the bottom; where I am sure there is a hole that is just waiting to end my life. I had this all under control once, then something just happened and I can't seem to get a hold of it to stop and get back to being steady. It's a sad thing that all you can seem to think about are the different ways that you can kill yourself. It's amazing the thing MY mind comes up. I have issues with sleeping, I toss and turn all night. I wake up covered in sweat because of the nightmares I have. The nightmares are just my own messed my memories from childhood. And then there are things that are just a blur for me; I don't remember things like I wish I would and remember the things I just wish I could forget.

Wishing that I would allow myself to open up to people again. I just don't trust that I won't get hurt again. Granted everyone gets hurt sometimes, I've just had my fair share for a bit. I don't think I would recover from being betrayed again by people I love and care about. I'm not fixed from the first time from many years ago.

I guess in general I want to be the typical mid-twenties woman that doesn't feel so down and alone.

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