What can I say about myself? Yes this chapter is going to be part of a nonfiction story sort of like a Journal about me who else right? I really do not know how to start this chapter. Well one thing for sure I never had thought I would ever become NOTHING in life, I look at old photos of myself as a child and I think to myself what would “Marina” become after she had become an adult? After all, her two older sister’s had become something whereas the eldest sister had become a high school teacher and the middle sister had ended up becoming a physician. I guess nobody expected me to become anything after all, I had trouble in school academically while I was in high school. I recall my mother had wanted me to work in a Library just because I liked books and felt that it was the best and easiest less stressful job for me. Actually, working in a library can be stressful physically for I used to work in one, years ago while I was attending college, plus while I was in high school I briefly joined the library club only to note that it was quite boring and repetitive. It’s funny when I think about it now when I was quite young I wanted to become a pianist like the now late Liberace for I had quite the talent for music especially playing the piano for my mother had noted around the time before I can even talk I would hum children’s songs such as “Fere Jacques”. And then later at the age of 4 I recall playing the Christmas carol Silent Night on the piano note by note with only one finger, without any formal piano lessons or the use of a piano book.I did later on take 3 years of piano lessons but quit because I did not have the discipline to sit for an hour every day to practice piano. I had and still have a very good musical ear; I would later play more tunes on the piano by ear, or I would self compose songs while fooling around on my old piano from childhood. The saddest thing about it all, I think I was most likely meant to become a professional pianist because if I didn’t quit piano at 13 I think I would most likely had become either a professional pianist or end up being a member of the Vancouver, Symphony Orchestra. And or if my vocal chords were not partially damaged I possibly would had a wonderful singing voice whereas I could had possibly even sang professionally. However, while in high school while I was living in another Canadian province I took a music class in school whereas once again I was playing piano learning popular pop songs and as usual I excelled in music but that was all short lived until I had moved back to Vancouver. During my teen years I was told I was a pretty good writer by my now former high school counsellor Sheila, and surprisingly even by my sister Dana, I recall her at one point mentioning I should write children’s books. I back then didn’t think that was possible nor I am guessing I did not think of myself to be much of a writer especially since I had so much trouble with the usual mechanics and grammar of the English language, so I had left it at that until I started writing again decades later in an online blog such as at Open diary or the now defunct site in the Wire.
So, in turn, I really do not like looking at old school photo’s of mine including photo’s from my childhood because I felt like I had become a loser who had not become anything in life. It’s not that I didn’t want to become something in life but coupled with severe agoraphobia throughout the twenties and half of my thirties it was impossible to really do something with my life despite I had managed to get lucky by volunteering at various schools acting as a volunteer teacher’s assistant at an E.S.L. classroom I really enjoyed working there for it was when I had met kids who had come from the now former Yugoslavia, I would get a kick out of seeing the shock on the kids faces upon realizing that there was somebody who not only spoke fluent English but who can sort of communicate with them in Serbo Croatian despite I had to use this small yellow Serbo Croatian pocket dictionary for I am not very fluent in the language myself because I hardly speak the language at home with family. I will never forget one of the new kid immigrants a Muslim boy from Bosnia who inquired in E.S.L. class as to how I managed to speak such perfect English? I told the young boy I was born and raised in Canada. Another thing, while volunteering in the E.S.L class I was worried about racism due to the civil war that broke out in the now former Yugoslavia back during the 1990’s. And to my surprise all the kids had accepted me, they didn’t care if I was Serbian, and I recall one of the two E.S.L. Mrs. Olafsen was very pleased to have someone like me in the class who could communicate with the new E.S.L. immigrants in their native language
Years later I sort of became like a nanny to my now former neighbour’s young daughter, whereas I literally helped raise young Catherine until she was 14 years old. I never thought in my wildest dream that someone would trust me enough to help raise their own child, but I must say that those years of helping raise Catherine were one of the best years of my life. I also worked at my sister’s medical practice but while I was working there I felt as though my abilities were underestimated for I felt that I was capable of doing more than what was presented to me, I felt as if I was an embarrassment to my sister while working there since all she did was hide me from everybody by her hiding me inside some storage room left for me to do paperwork. And what hurt me most while working in my sister’s office is that my sister never wanted to eat lunch with me either. Unfortunately, I only managed to work for 2 years at my sister’s medical practice and because my sister underestimate my abilities she did not train me in other areas that would give me more confidence and experience to apply for future jobs as a Medical Office Assistant once after my sister had to suddenly shut down her practice due to pregnancy complications she was having while pregnant with her first child.
I wanted a job and the only jobs I had managed to find were temporary and when I did get hired I was soon dismissed due to the fact that I have a learning disability as well as a visual impairment(severe) on my left eye. So combined with a learning disability and having agoraphobia it really made it hard to find permanent work and whenever I felt I could work and was ready to work at a job something bad always happened to me which would hinder me from any type of potential employment. And or I would end up failing certain tests such as a library test which would determine whether or not I would be hired on the spot. What made matters worse is that I never felt good enough or good at anything especially after hearing my mother tell one of my friends who is a mother of 5 kids tell her that, “Marina may not be good at a lot of things, but she certainly can be trusted with kids”. Even my own mother didn’t feel that I was intelligent or good at anything really, so basically she never thought of me as a capable human intelligent human being. Never once do I recall my mother ever saying to me “I am proud of you”. Especially during the years when I was taking computer courses from a private college back during the late 90’s. When had I asked my mother why she never told her friends she was proud of me? My mother’s reply was what was there for her to be proud of and did I want her to state in the local newspaper how she was proud of me? When my mother knew I was going to a private college to take some computer courses, she told me that I was not going to a real school and that I was taking Mickey Mouse courses. So instead of my mother saying to me “Marina that is great, you're going to school and trying to better your life”. I in the end am told I wasn’t going to a real school and what I was doing did not matter nor did it actually count. The sad thing is that even my two older sister’s never trusted me with their children, meaning they allowed me to take their kids anywhere on my own. Once again they underestimated my abilities despite the fact that I had helped raise my neighbour’s children for 10 years without any problems. Yes I have a learning disability and a visual impairment but that doesn’t make me to be considered special needs NOR am I deemed to be mentally disabled. Although my mother still refers to me as being considered special needs.
In 2019 the birth of my becoming a writer was born. It was discovered that I had a natural talent as a writer and so I have written and published some stories online several writing sites such as at Booksie.com. Everything was going fine writing wise until I ended up getting bullied on a writing site known as Wattpad, a site I wish I never had laid eyes on. I had wanted to publish some of my stuff online to see that I could not financially afford to get an agent to publish or help me send some of my stories to be used as a potential movie on Netflix. My stories are doing pretty well on Booksie.com . I was told that I am a very good or talented writer, but despite the compliments of my writing I always feel that there is always someone more talented than me in the writing or even music department.
A couple of years ago I started playing piano again for fun when visiting my mother’s place for her lounge in her building. I was told once again I am very talented or sound like an elite level piano player despite only having 3 years of piano lessons. I still have my musical ear which I did not lose thankfully and hope I never will. And when I mentioned to my mother that a 9-year-old boy who was a piano student complimented me by stating to me that I sounded like an Elite level piano player, all my mother said was, “What does this kid know? He is just a kid”. In the last year or two I had managed to learn some songs by ear such as songs “Fernando” by ABBA and Adele’s “Something About You”. Some of my piano videos can be found on my Tik Tok account under the name of Tetamarina 1966 whereas I got some positive feedback regarding my piano playing.
So, I guess at such a late stage in my life in my 50’s I guess I could say I am now an unpublished writer and author. I guess I can call myself a writer, but I wonder do I really have what it takes to be a writer? Do I really have the talent? Funny years ago, around back during the late 1990’s I used to call myself the female version of “John Boy Walton” from TV’s drama “The Walton’s”, for his character loved to write and who ended up becoming a writer during the show’s later seasons. I remember even trying at one point writing scripts for the now former TV drama “7th Heaven” for fun but nothing ever really had come out of it, after all, who would have taken me seriously should I have sent my script writing storylines to the producers of 7th Heaven? After all I wasn’t a professional writer with no degree with no extensive training in Communications nor even a degree in Communications or Fine Arts.
After a break in writing I guess I should consider myself as a writer and author but the dream of even making something out of it seems futile due to lack of financial help or support for starters but for now I will just write when the urge strikes and only time will tell if I was really meant to be deemed worthy to call myself to be “ a writer”. However, I think my true career calling for me was for mu to have been a professional pianist but its unfortunate that I did not continue with my piano for me to achieve such a goal. And whatever happened to me in life I feel that I would be true pianist at heart.
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