NoJoMo #4 + A LOOK INSIDE MY BRAIN

11/03/2010

I had a really good day today. It was actually kind of up-and-down but in the end I got a lot done and I am looking forward to tomorrow (sorta).

*sigh* I dunno. It's hard to say. I am ambivalent about everything. I spent approximately 9 total hours today doing school work - not counting breaks. I'm exhausted. I feel fairly upbeat but ... While I am close to the goal I am not there yet. There's still time to ruin everything.

My psych teacher asked me to her office and molested my brain by asking how I was doing. It is embarrassing to be known as the girl with the dead mom whose boyfriend left her and who struggles with chronic depression. Everyone asks me how I'm doing, says they're there for me and all ... but I am not inclined to seek them out. Everyone is under such stress. I don't want to bother them and I don't know what to say when they ask me how I'm doing and I am just like...*shakes head no*

Anyway, I thought it was nice of my instructor to ask after me. I said the usual things I say when someone asks me about being depressed. "Oh I'm doing okay. I write in my journal and I look at my accomplishments. I try to put things in perspective by realizing that I have just about five weeks before graduation and reminding myself that I've yet to fail at anything I've tried" and other such things. They are not lies exactly but they don't tell the whole story.

I was thinking about suicide again today. Nothing really serious. More like, "I wish I were dead" than "I'm going to kill myself." If you've never been seriously depressed it might sound the same but there is a grand canyon between wishing to die and planning a DIY death.

I was almost catatonic walking the hall between classes as I went to have a cigarette. Some other girls asked if I was okay and I am just like, "I'm okay. Just need a smoke" in a flat voice. I was afraid if I talked to them they'd have me committed! I'm paranoid about that. You can't sign yourself out of a mental institution. They will hold you for 72 hours if you sign out AMA and they can pretty much extend that indefinitely as long as they think you're a danger to yourself or others. It's enough to make anyone a little paranoid. They can force you to take drugs. It scares me a little.

I want my mommy. I remember this one time I was having some kind of anxiety or something ... I was worried for some reason. I told her I wanted to talk and she was like, "what do you want to talk about?" and I just didn't have words so I said, "ummm... Sheep. I like sheep. Sheep are nice" or something like that. She laughed and I sort of babbled at her for a while in the way little kids do when they have something on their mind they can't express. When you're a little kid you don't know how to say, 'I don't feel mentally healthy.' Most adults don't know how to say that.

Get help? Where? I don't want help. I want it to stop. I have the coping skills, I'm perfectly capable a human being. I just ... am tired. I need a break from life now and then. This place lets me purge a little of the filth that backs up in my mind during the day and I don't write down half of it. Let's take a break before I hang this thing up and go to bed and listen to my stream of thoughts unedited shall we?:

I wish I were dead. I'm so sad and I just want to rest. Mom is gone, scott is gone, dad is coming home soon and I can't do it to him like that and my sister and they would be sad but it's too much. Damn them for keeping me here. If it weren't for all this encouragement I'd be dead by now and I don't know if that's a good thing. I wish I were dead. I wish Calvin and Hobbes hadn't stopped running. That was a great show. Show..cartoon...whatever. I'm so stupid but I'm not stupid. I know lots of things but what good do they do me when I feel like this? I like the sound and feel of this keyboard. So tired so tired... I should go to bed but I have this feeling like every time I go to bed I'm just wasting time. Who needs sleep??? Tangentiality, clang, neologism. Neologism. I love that word. I'm nodding off. The dog will come to bed with me. I had a dream the other night that he grew a HUGE penis and started trying to fuck me. Weird. I still haven't dreamed about Mom. I wish she were here. She abandoned me so long ago I'm surprised I even miss her. She was such a drunk. I hate alcoholics. But I want a Four Loko... Is that weird? Not really. I bet I end up an addict just like her. Everyone becomes their parent(s) at one time or another. . . .

Goodnight

~Tak~