NoJoMo #1

11/01/2010

I am sad about my mom. I miss her. I wish she wasn't dead. I have an achy feeling inside. My heart is hurting. My aunt showed me pictures of my mom from about ten years old when we were paddleboating. I am so sad. . .

. . . I wish I were dead. I hurt so badly.

The long term feelings are surprising. It's like ... I think I'm okay, then something triggers me and I relive it all over again. I feel all these angry and hurting and hopeless emotions. It doesn't make sense to me. Why should I wish I were dead? That's the last thing I should be thinking and that sends me right into a guilt spiral. I want to get drunk and take a bottle of pills. I want to go for a walk in all black on to the highway while I'm like that and step into traffic. I've been in accidents before - you don't feel anything, it happens so fast. I'm even reaching the point where I don't care that doing all of that would hurt everyone I know.

But I won't do it. I have to finish school. I have to see my sister graduate. I have to at least survive until all of that happens.

What am I going to do? I feel like someone stuck a dagger in me and started slowly dragging it from my heart straight down through my guts. It makes me furious. I want to hurt myself. I can't do that. I can't, can't, can't. I know I can't.

I can't tell anyone this either. They'd have me committed. Even though I know that it's probably because of the additional stress of being away from home... on top of missing my relationship with Scott. I don't understand why that hurts so much. I know we weren't really "the one" for each other, but even so it hurts how he left.

I wish I were dead. I hope I die in my sleep. I've been having weird dreams lately. I don't think I've dreamed about my mom at all though. Like I said... wish I were dead, thinking of ways to do it, wishing I would die on accident so I wouldn't have to do it... but I don't see what else I can do. It all hurts so much there may as well be pure acid flowing in my veins.

I'm going to go have a cry now.

-Tak