I need a new home.
Virtually.
I need a new outlet.
I was an OpenDiary member for a lonnng time, and thought that I would be okay when they finally closed their doors. Turns out, it just took me a little longer to experience the withdraw effects of not allowing myself to release all the nonsense in my head. I am not good with change. Not at all. I don't like it. And because of it, I've made a huge mess. A really, really big mess. No, not because of OpenDiary closing, but it would have been nice had that site stayed around a little bit longer.
I sincerely miss Ryan. Why is that we always want what we can't have? I knew from day one that Ryan wasn't right, and I shouldn't have continued our relationship. He was a living hypocrite, and that is one trait in an individual that I really can't stand. He embodied everything that he didn't like. He told me he wanted to settle down and have a family, but in reality he hated the concept of settling down and couldn't live it. He has a nomadic spirit that travels wherever the fun is, and living a true, adult life with responsibilities isn't always fun. He was a liar who never technically lied but instead avoided the truth. He was capable of twisting and masking his words to make you feel satisfied until much later when you realize that you never received an answer at all. In truth, he was a lot of terrible things that isn't necessary to dive into anymore, but there was some kind of strength about him that I can't put into words. There was some kind of stability to his unstable being that I've never felt before. It was powerful. Ryan was like a fire that controlled could be wonderful, but otherwise resulted in destruction. And, at the same time, he was peace. He was everything, and he was nothing. He was like sand through my fingers... there and substantial, but gone just as quickly. I found myself grasping for more all the time, only to lose more all the time, until we were gone and here we are.
I lashed out at life. It wasn't pretty. I don't like change and in the process of dealing with it I changed more things for the worse. I quit my job. I quit my job where I made $3000 a month. I am now down to the last $120 in my bank account, and after going on probably closer to 15 interviews since leaving my job, I'm hoping that something- anything comes through. I have even been told that I'm overqualified for positions. In a way, its ridiculous, but I did this to myself. Its really not a fitting position to be in as a single mother. I've also just bought a house. I am in trouble. I shouldn't have bought this house, but Ryan and I were in the process of finalizing a contract when we split. I was too plagued with guilt to abandon my realtor after our split because he had been so good to Ryan and I to show us so many homes, so I broke the contract, picked another home, and again here we are. At this point, I would have no problem cooking french fries for the masses, but its unfortunate that because people see that I was a manager of a multi-million dollar business, they remind me that they cannot afford me and send me out the door. It was dumb. Leaving was dumb. Leaving was the stupidest thing I've done probably ever. I have never wished for a rewind button ever so much in my life. I'm seriously considering donating blood on a regular basis to keep milk in my fridge at this point. There was an ad on Craigslist for naughty maids. I'm definitely not a super model, but they can't be all too picky in my area. I can't believe I've done this to myself. Luckily, I invited my friends to move in with me. They agreed, and will help me with the bills until I get back on my feet if I ever do.
And then there is John. Sweet, sweet John. I met John recently, and he has stuck around like a parasite. I say that in the nicest way. No matter what I do to push him away, he keeps coming back like a cold. John and I have bonded over our shared ridiculousness in life. He has it bad. He was a foster kid in the system since he was 6ish years old. Or was it 8? I don't remember what he said, but he was young. He aged out at 21, and now he's 23. No one ever adopted him, and he isn't cut out for the world we live in. He is aggressive and defensive. His personality is intense. His automatic response to any little thing is to fight to the death, and I can't stand that. Its good to have perseverance, but not everything in life is a war. He makes me lose my patience, but I try to remind myself that I am no better than he is. He doesn't understand how the world works, and he refuses to assimilate into society which keeps him from becoming better than he is. I have great opportunities and great responsibilities, and I let myself down and others because I mess them up.
John is a great opportunity. He's supportive, and he's patient with me at least. He doesn't judge me. He fits in perfectly with my life and all of the people who make up my life. But I miss my job... and I miss my Ryan. I miss the Ryan I had when I had him. He's off doing drugs and being an artist. That's what Ryan was before he met me, and that's what he is again so in a way I guess that's who he was always supposed to be. But I miss what my life was. John reminds me that I'm strong, and that we'll get through it. Its selfish and unrealistic, but John can't give me my life back, so I have no interest in him. There is no we getting through anything. I won't say that out loud because that makes it true.
I haven't said anything much out loud as of late because I would have to admit to myself and everyone else how much I have failed as a woman, as a daughter, as a mother. I have seriously considered giving custody of my son to my parents because I spun out of control, and this time I don't know if I can pick up the pieces. I can't say that out loud either. |
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