Time:1:47pm
State of Being:caffeinated
Song lyric in my head:n/a .. give it a few minutes lol
current desire:the motivation to clean
where am I?:in the bedroom on the bed
what's that noise?:the fan
soooo hi! I can't remember the last time I updated. was it before i got married? I dunno.
nothing new has really changed. well except for the whole getting married thing. May 18th.  it was an amazing happy day. It's hard to fathom sometimes... that I'm actually married. I'm a wife. lol. It's funny when people ask "so how does it feel being married?" or "how's married life?" I don't really know how to answer that. Russ and I have been together for six years. (got married on our sixth anniversary.) and we've been living together for over five years. So nothing's really changed between us. We're still the same people. Though I do feel complete, and totally happy. But i'm always totally happy with him. He's the love of my life, and I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else. It's a pretty awesome feeling.
So what's the next step? Kids? I really REALLY want kids. Our orginal plan was to start trying as soon as we got married. You know what's cool. The entire six years we were together, never once did we not use protection. So I guess the marriage really was consumated on the wedding night. lol. But anywho, our original plan was to start trying right away. But then Russ' shop closed and he's now out of a job. well kinda. they still work him about 14 hours a week (if even close to that) for roadside stuff. (he works for a company offiliated with AAA that does roadside service. The company had a shop too that he worked at, but now it's closed. so he works whenever someone calls out or little crappy jobs here and there.)
The other night I got really really drunk with a couple of his friends. Cameron lives in the same apt building so it wasn't like I was out and about. I ended up opening up to Cam and Charles about wanting a kid. They told me that does want one too despite the hesitancy. It just sucks financially right now. But on a positive note, Cam, Charles and I bonded pretty well the other night. I feel like we're now closer friends. But damn did I feel like hell the next day. See that's why I stopped drinking. Okay not the only reason. I'm way older now and can't handle it as much lol. I wish weed were legalized already. I wouldn't feel like hell the next day.
wow I went on a tangent. but it is my diary so its aloud.
what else..
I'm STILL working as a pharmacy tech at wal-mart. It's STILL hell every day. and I'm STILL trying to find a teaching job. I've come to the conclusion that that's never going to happen. Well I wouldn't say never, but it's highly improbable. I really want to go back to school for another degree. Theatre is my passion, but there are just no jobs out there. I was thinking psychology and counceling. Particularly youth counseling. It's still working with and helping kids. ... but back to school. There-in lies another financial issue. I can't afford to go back to school. And truth be told, I'd rather have a kid.
Does that seem weird? I'd rather be a mother than further my career? It should seem weird, and part of me wants to make it weird. But it's true. Two things left in my life that I want more than anything in the word (cuz i already have the love of my life lol) are kids and a stable career. I believe right now that a stable career is a LOOONG way away, and hard to come by. I'm willing to put in the effort. Don't get me wrong. Because if I'm at wal-mart for another four and a half years, someone is liable to get maimed. But if being a mother is way more obtainable, and I want it more emotionally than a career, I'd rather have a kid. I can go back to school in 20 years if I want to. School is never going away. But I'm almost thirty. I don't have much time left. I know it's normal now for women to have babies in their thirties. I get it. But I don't want to be too old before I have grandchildren.
BUT I can't afford a kid. Or a new job.
I had to turn down a part time job to direct a school play, because I couldn't afford to go part time at wal-mart. Isn't that fucked up?
I hate money. It really does ruin a lot.
We're not flat broke. We don't struggle too much. Rent and bills get paid every month. We have a roof over our head, as ghetto as it is lol. But it's like we can't go further. We can't progress in life.
I'm rambling again.
But despite everything, I'm still happy. I love life. As much as I don't really like it right now, lol, I do love life.
anywho, that's all for today.
peace!
Never forget to smile!
-mel- |
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