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Supersword's Diary
by Supersword

previous entry: New Year's +5 - What am I doing? - Emotion dump

next entry: A change of scenery?

Saving things and listening to advice

01/09/2019

So two days ago, I liked one of her Instagram posts rather accidentally (because I'm dumb and forgot that double tapping in IG likes but doesn't zoom) and then I unliked it (again because I'm dumb and didn't realize she would find it weirder that I unliked something), so she called me out on it, and we had a nearly okay conversation. That conversation resulted in an agreement to resume the space thing, which I then pissed up AGAIN when I forwarded a screenshot of a part of our conversation to her instead of my brother, the intended recipient.

 

Now, there's two caveats here. The first is that, during the first meeting of her friends, I learned that she'd shared essentially everything we had said to each other up until that point (two weeks' worth of texting) with her friend, who unashamedly asked me to confirm parts of it in public--so if this is held against me, I'd be surprised. With this in mind, I owned up to my intention and said I'm sure she won't hold it against me. The second caveat is that she said it made her laugh, and since then she hasn't deleted me from her social media, so maybe she did find it funny and not as pathetic as it made me feel...

 

After describing that whole debacle to my brother, he insisted that I now must wait for her to come to me, without exemption, which I have to agree with. Anything less would be disastrous.

 

So I said to her (before the mistaken photo send) that I decided, after much prayer, thought and advice, to wait and not try to move on (because I figured I'd already messed up by talking to her in the first place) and that's where I'm leaving it. Whether or not I do wait for as long as it takes her, or whether she even comes to the conclusion to pursue me afterwards, is entirely up in the air.

 

The motivation for this post is less to point out my idiocy again and more to say that these last two days have been actually pretty good. The above is for context and update for the people that have been following this process.

 

Instead of trying to tailor dating profiles or psychoanalyze myself for faults, etc, I've just concentrated on enjoying living. Playing my guitar again, exercising some, playing games, reading, etc. have been a little more enjoyable without the spectre of finding a partner looming over my head. This is coupled with the realization I had that most people focus on their passions and then a partner, and I've done the reverse, and I need to focus on me and making myself happy, etc. All advice I've given to others but was blind to for myself. Point is, I've been, while not expressly happy, content with just living some.

 

I also noticed that perhaps I ought to avoid alcohol for a little while. I was thinking just these good things above when I realized that a beer I had today brought me both down into depression again AND made me start wanting to message her, which as I've said would be catastrophic. So because I have felt more complete dry rather than with the alcohol, I'm thinking I will just stay that way for a while.

 

End update.

previous entry: New Year's +5 - What am I doing? - Emotion dump

next entry: A change of scenery?

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Your brother is right. Wait for her to approach you. Although, your mishaps with social media in sending a text to the wrong person is vaguely amusing in a romantic comedy movie kind of way.

Alcohol is a depressant, so it stands to reason that it might have a negative effect to someone already in emotional unrest. Focus on you, my friend. Because if you can't love yourself, how can you love anyone else? [raen] [reply]

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