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Supersword's Diary
by Supersword

previous entry: Love, again - part 2

next entry: Saving things and listening to advice

New Year's +5 - What am I doing? - Emotion dump

01/06/2019

It's been six days since the catastrophe of New Year's caused the girl I became way too attached to in so short a time (seriously, everything was going right! How it seemed...) had a realization she wasn't ready while high... On New Year's Day, it was "I need time to figure things out" and I was willing to wait. The day after it was "This may take longer than I can let you wait for, move on, and I hope you find someone even if it's not me". Advice from friends, family, and people here say wait a few weeks, reach out and try again, and if not, at least you tried. And I'm inclined to agree to that. As I said in my last entry, I almost sent a big message to her, basically the "why can't we be a movie plot' sobstory, but I spoke to her a couple days ago (she messaged first, but not for anything hopeful) and she said she had been stressing so much she'd made herself sick (I don't know precisely what the emotional battle is she's going through, but what I've gathered is there's an ex from whom she got lots of emotional abuse but still loved. One of those; I'm not sure if she isn't sure if she's over him, if I remind her of him, etc. These are just guesses of an overactive mind), so the last thing I wanted to do was send her a giant message. 
 

 

It doesn't help that that message would have taken away her agency and gone back on my assertion I would give her some space. Space. Hardest bloody thing ever. Maybe this time I'll succeed.

 

But the hard thing right now is multifold. First, I'm trying to do as she asked and move on. Online dating isn't a dream in the first place, but a couple of returned messages later and I'm not sure what I'm doing. I only knew this girl for two weeks, but I fell so bloody hard it's insane. I know what infatuation is; this might be some of it, but it's also like my brother says: I mourn what I believe had been a promising future. I'm romantic that way... I'm 32, I'm not new at this game, but by God, it seemed like it was the right one. Checked all the boxes. As far as I can tell, I did for her, too. That's what it seems like part of the problem was: too much too fast too soon. 

 

Second, I've been six days in depression. Now, I'm not trying to piggyback onto people that chronically suffer it. I'm not medication-worthy, and I know this will pass, but I find myself sitting and staring at nothing. I've no motivation. I do what I must because it needs to be done, but I have no drive for passions. I pursue attention on dating sites because I seek validation; it's an asshole move, and I'm trying not to be that guy, but every message I sent feels like a betrayal. Like, she said move on, but what if she comes back and finds I was capable of liking someone else? It's fucking dumb, that thought. I know it is. But it still comes up. But like, I keep hoping I'll look at my phone to find a message from her that makes all my dreams come true. I'm not alone in these thoughts, I know, but this is a safer place for me to rant rather than on my Facebook where she and her friends can see.

 

That's another thing. I met some of her friends over the few days we were physically seeing each other (part of what I think, in hindsight, was far too fucking fast), and hit it off pretty well with the second set (New Year's set) to the point where two of them have since added me to Facebook. Like. What? This girl I can't get out of my head, I KNOW she likes me about as much as I like her, but I can't talk to her, can't see her, etc. (be strong, be strong), and her friends are adding me. I don't know if it's as spies (which would be dumb because SHE'S still on my friends list), or if they're genuinely interested in my friendship. Maybe it's the latter. But that's got to be a sign for her, no? Some of your best friends like me, you like me, I make you happy, you make me happy...*frustrated hand motions*!

 

I'm being dumb. I know I am. I can't do this to myself. But maybe I ought to ease off on the dating messages and just deal for a while. Try to get myself out of this funk. 
 

But thanks for being here, potentially silent but likely supportive group of strangers I can't believe I went this long since the crash without returning to... I'm glad for the opportunity to get this off my chest so I don't do anything stupid. Elsewhere.

 

Side note. Posting here is the new soapbox. I annoy people with how vague I can be, I'm tired of painting myself as the emo, and I really, really don't want to hurt her by posting left right and center poetic things that show her I'm thinking about her all the bloody time. She knows how I feel. Her friends know how I feel. Her friends apparently like me. I got thumbs up from other friends of hers. Like. If it's possible, all the signs are there. I just hope her cards look as good as mine...

previous entry: Love, again - part 2

next entry: Saving things and listening to advice

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So my first thought here is that perhaps going out and dating right away isn't the best decision you could make in this situation. Unless that's how you think you're going to heal; but being a romantic and someone in touch with their feelings, I very much doubt that. Also, her hesitation to date right now isn't about you. At all. It's about her; she needs to sort her emotional shit out in order to be ready for the real deal. Which, by the sounds of things, is you. So you need to heal, she needs to heal, and you need to be patient. In the mean time, the motivation isn't going to just magically appear. You need to literally fake it until you make it. It's a stupid cliché, but it's also a true one. Pick something you haven't done in a while, and focus on that until you feel the depression slowly slink off into whatever dark hole it came from.
And another thing; talk to the friends you know aren't going to judge you, and are just going to listen. Your brother is most definitely right. Heal before you dive back into anything.

Her friends adding you is just weird to me. It was already too quick to be introducing, but at the same time, they would know what's up and adding you as a friend on facebook is peculiar. That's all I gotta say. [raen] [reply]

Yeah, I think you're right. I've deleted my dating apps. Now is not the time regardless. I don't think I posted that she said it wasn't me (I might have) but if not and you got that impression, too, then maybe you're right. If I could have this work out... Hopefully I'll be able to move forward without so many bad feelings. [Supersword] [reply]

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