Thinking back on what I have done in these past few weeks and how I have felt, and what he has done to me to drive me away.... I realize exactly why I feel the way I do.
I married a lunatic. A temperamental, volatile, highly angry.... lunatic. He was so highly-functioning at the time we met that I was a total and complete fool. And he took me for the worst roller coaster ride of my life.... through emotional, mental, and physical turmoil. So much so, that he almost caused me to wind up in the hospital - which I had managed to avoid for years.
What drove him to this? Well, if I had to be honest and tell you.... I can't. I have no idea, whatsoever. I did nothing to drive him to act the way he did and has been. I tried for so long to figure out exactly why he was so angry with me, if I were the crazy one.... but there was no way for me to justify him. He had no reason, he had no grounds to be angry. I gave him everything. Absolutely everything. I trusted him, at one time. I gave him all of me. I gave him all I had and all I could, and yet it was not enough if I did not act like a Stepford wife and be his submissive little toy.
This is not a marriage, and anyone out there reading this, knows it. You are two, and you function as a unit, yes, but you never destroy who you are and what you stand for. Even his disbelief in God was too much. He would steadily down what I believed in.... when I told him I would never try to shove it in his face, nor would I ever attempt to convert him. I am not that kind of believer.
I cannot make him listen, nor can I help someone that refuses to be helped. I can do no more. All I can do is pursue my own happiness without another thought about it. We were once so close, and once so happy. I try so hard to remember the good times, to feel nostalgic, and feel pain over it, but there were so few happy times that I cannot even go back without finding it vague and strange. The bad times were so horrific that they have nearly eclipsed all the good. I loved him, once. I honestly did. I wanted a family with him, once. Once upon a time. That fairytale ended and turned into a nightmare as quickly as it had begun.
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I have grown close to my best friend, and he seems to be the only person who just understands. He leaves it where it is, leaves it be, and says no more. He lets me vent, and he just answers, and holds me close. I know I should feel wrong for being around him more than I hang around my husband.... but why should I feel wrong, when my husband is off with multiple people, multiple girls, and completely ignoring me? It is as though we are already divorced, and I am
being ignored just as easily as I can ignore him.
I have been spending the weekends at my best friend's house, where he lives with two room mates. Our time together is not usually alone, and if we are alone, it is never for long. I did not and have not attempted to interrupt his life in this manner, and he just simply invites me over. I consume his time when I am there, though I try to get him to go and spend time with his room mate (the male one, which is now like his brother.) He never listens to me, but I should not be surprised after 9 years of the same. He is too stubborn.
We have had so many ups and downs, and both of us has finally admitted that the other is "it," that if we were to ever get together.... that was the end. That was the "forever" and "happily ever after," and nothing less. At one time, we joked about it, but as time wears on.... it is becoming more and more obvious beyond a shadow of a doubt. I was the first recently to tell him that I loved him, and how much he meant to me. While I did not expect him to respond, or to even say anything, he began telling me he loved me, too. At first, he was completely reserved about it, but now.... he says it without a second thought.
The first time I spent the night at his house was about two weeks ago. We slept in the same bed, but did nothing. We only lay there. I had to continuously catch myself leaning against him or cuddling up to him and stop myself. I got the vibe that he felt awkward, and I had to reserve how I felt for him for fear of driving him away (again). I could not help but show him how I felt when I felt it, by small ways of affection.... though I always caught myself because of the situation and got away from it. Last weekend, he kissed me, and my world completely dissipated and there was nothing but that moment. I finally forgot how much pain I felt because of the abuse in my marriage, and I finally forgot about all the stress I had endured.
Some say a kiss is just a kiss. A kiss can build or break someone's entire world.
This past weekend, things got a bit more heated, and nothing felt wrong. I am not using him for a rebound, I am not using him as an escape. I am where my heart is leading me to be, and that is far away from a man that slaps me and downs me every single chance he gets to make himself feel better. My husband drives me crazy, and not in a good way. He makes me literally feel like my mind is bending and breaking. As though I should act the way he wants me to, and not of my own accord. It has been nearly a month and he has not even tried to see me. We live separately, and he goes to work while I stay at home at my parents' due to my health. He so chose to go out with several other people instead of bothering to come here.... and so I began leaving, too. I began going over to my best friend's.
It may sound horrible of me to say that I feel no remorse for what I have done, but think of it from my point of view. My husband hurts me, in more ways than one, ignores me, breaks me down, and generally makes me feel as though I am worthless. What kind of marriage is that? It is not even a legitimate relationship. It is abuse. I just could not see it for months and months, and I defended him every single time someone tried to say he was doing things wrong. I have been nothing but stressed out and exhausted from the steady battles.
Yet, with my best friend, as I said.... nothing else exists. Nothing else matters. I can just be. And in that, I can just live. He has never once scared me as my husband does, nor has he ever made me feel worthless. If anything, he has built me up to the woman I am today by meticulously picking up all the little pieces that broke along the way and finding the way they fit into my future. When it was not him I chose, he simply told me he was happy for me, and things were done. Though he now admits his heart would not let him move on so easily, he was happy because I was happy. At least while I seemed happy, he was satisfied.
When things started going downhill and he began hearing about the abuse, he became quite adamant about me getting out of it. He never once said to come back to him, he only told me I deserved better, that I was too good for this, and I never once believed him. I believed this is what I deserved, for one reason or another. I deserved to be the martyr, to endure the pain.... and learn a lesson from it.
Now, I realize how blind I was, and I realize.... the truth as been there all along. I was just too weak to open my eyes and see it.
Mark my words, I will be set free.... and I know which way home is. |
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