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i don't need the answers
by spinnerette

next entry: sympathy for the devil

valium knights

12/01/2008

crayon box

only now he's a vagrant in my head ♥

for once, i wasn't READY to start over with bloop. i liked how my diary looked, i like what i wrote, and i had been pretty consistent with it for a while.. but i guess a fresh start is good for just about anyone, including me.

so, apparently, i'm the type of person now to go on ridiculously long saturday-night drives to the state border when i'm depressed and/or a little nostalgic, even though my '94 saturn SL1 is NOT a freeway-friendly car (hitting 65 takes about 5 minutes, no joke.) i drove to wisconsin, by myself, stopped at a gas station for cigarettes and red bull, and turned around and drove back; just blowing off steam i guess. okay, okay, wisconsin is only about 45 minutes away, but i rarely do anything by myself, let alone these types of spontaneous adventures. and then, back on I-94, i somehow wound up slowly driving past an old friend(ish)'s (WHY OH WHY DO SO MANY OF THE GUY FRIENDS I MAKE NEVER KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING FRIENDS && MORE) house that i haven't been to in over a year. you'd understand how bizarre this is, if you know that we live about 45 minutes apart - hardly a short commute. i found myself driving past the same park that me and this friend got wildly drunk in once, past his friend's house where we partied in, passed the long windy parkways we used to walk down, past the coffee shop we'd go to to kill our buzz. and then it got me thinking him and me dropping acid for the first time, at his friends house, and freaking out over seeing spiders, breaking into our old (closed down) elementary school, and the small things, like him always paying for my meals and going clubbing with his friends on the weekends i didn't work. all sorts of memories.

anyway, it got me thinking about the "fight" we got into recently - how i've refused to talk to him, and haven't for over four months.. which, if you know what having a best friend is like, you know how long four months truly seems. like an eternity.

and i know it's ridiculously childish, and yes, life is way too short to hold grudges. and i guess i can't explain it. but me & L have been through so much together that it's hard letting go, i don't even know if i necessarily want to. but i feel like i have to.

he wrote me over facebook, that he "knows what i'm doing" and that he's never going to give up on our friendship, he says. he says he's never going to quit bugging me. he also says, he's doing great, he hasn't gotten drunk in over two months now.., and two days later leaves me two consecutive phone messages, obviously drunk and crying about how i hate him and he really wants me to pick up the line. i laughed and listened to them over and over again, sort of relishing how it sounded for someone to sound so incredibly desperate to speak to me - if that's even what it was. i just wish people would say what they feel & mean what they say.

anyway, i'm just blabbing now. i just hate how i feel that some things are out of our control - eventually, people just drift apart. i just don't want to feel responsible, which of course i do.
and yep - i just killed the original idea i had of making an "introduction" entry. but seriously.. i've had a bloop since 8th grade (college frosh now), and i've had at least 5 or 6 first entries. so i don't know if that's necessary.

P.S., i'm going to try to find time to keep this diary up, too! lame, but whatever! =]:
moneymatters♥

next entry: sympathy for the devil

0 likes, 28 comments

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it's hard letting go, thats for sure.!
welcome backkk

[.anya.Star|0 likes] [|reply]

you should to post some more photos alyssa. i miss looking at your work.

[girlsetsfireStar|0 likes] [|reply]

RYC: you're more on the ball than you think, my dear. i'm impressed. i worked at payless thru college. i graduated in 2007 and have been working fulltime since june '07 as an MRT (aka xray technologist).

[girlsetsfireStar|0 likes] [|reply]

wow. that's reallly weird.
when i was in elementary school there were probably more snow days than i remember. as i got older, that global warming kicked in. haha.
then about 3-4 years ago we started getting huuuge snow storms. my last two years of HS we actually had to make up school because we had so many snow days.

[a n n a ♥Star|0 likes] [|reply]

welcome back!! ugh, i hate feeling out of control too. things have been so crazy the past two weeks, i don't even feel like i participated in it, it's just been a daze! i'm hoping things will slow down soon, and i hope they calm down for you too! ♥

[i`m his lil bearrr.Star|0 likes] [|reply]

i wasn't ready either my love. :[ hmph!! but i do like how your entry is set up.

[burt.Star|0 likes] [|reply]

There really is not more to the story.

[Courtney Was Here|0 likes] [|reply]

Wow that's some hardcore nostalgia right there.

Why do you feel like you have to let go? As in, cut him off completely?

[rubusStar|0 likes] [|reply]

OOH! Welcome back. YAY!

Great pictures!

IMHO, I'm against "grudges" because they're a waste of time. Lol.

[Harley QuinnStar|0 likes] [|reply]

college is good. :] im loving it now that i had a break from everone. the paper cranes are so cool. she is making them out of newspaper.

[burt.Star|0 likes] [|reply]

[burt.Star|0 likes] [|reply]

haha yeah i argee.
I guess i was just mad because on the car ride he didnt look at me and he never wrote me a note, messaged me, and he is acting different. Seems like everytime something is going great it chagnes.

[Courtney Was Here|0 likes] [|reply]

re: it's a fictionalized journal.

[PhaseRedVelvetStar|0 likes] [|reply]

fresh starts can be good things sometimes and driving is the BEST way to just clear your head/that is not a good way to describe what i mean. ahaha

[yawn of birdsStar|0 likes] [|reply]

RYC: lol the saying is completely overused. it's like used every time a heartbreak comes.. i'm like "Give me something new".

- nope mesa not knew. I have my service diary on here : Fantalusion Designs .. I'm still working on it though.. it sucks to work.

[Eye-Lee-Uh|0 likes] [|reply]

Hahaha I know, seriously, she wasn't a bitchy cunt (to me) at first.
I loved her as my friend.
And my good memories of her trump the bad.

The laptop was $548...but I got a ten percent discount since I work there...so I got it for $493.20.

[ijdStar|0 likes] [|reply]

RYC:

You should let them go.

They're too wasteful and life's too short

Yeah!!! My DREAM is to work ABROAD in the summer!!!

[Harley QuinnStar|0 likes] [|reply]

Yay, you're back!
Glad to see it and hear it.
Wow, that sucks. Losing a good friend is really hard, and letting go is even harder. :[
I bet he misses you like CRAZY.
*hugs*

[£ullaby♥Star|0 likes] [|reply]

hm. I love roadtripping, even for short distances. and I'm glad you got to do it because it sounds like you really enjoyed it and it helped you emotionally unwind.

[SphinxStar|0 likes] [|reply]

I agree. Letting go is just...Hard. It's like giving up apart of you, and how do you give up yourself, you know?

P.S. You are so cute!!

[-kayStar|0 likes] [|reply]

you're so cute, man.

[jodiStar|0 likes] [|reply]

lol you got it right. and you just think of 16 (more or less) movies and look up quotes from them on imdb.com

[SphinxStar|0 likes] [|reply]

lol, it's ok!

[Immortal ShadowsStar|0 likes] [|reply]

Yeah, I am not sure why I told my dad. I just did.
But my mom for sure no.
Today I had a puff in front of her and she just like flipped out.
I plan on quitting one day. I guess it is a phase.
Everyone is lighting up so why beat them when you can just join them? I know how stupid I look, I know how stupid it is. But I just do not care.
It helps you relax when times are bad.
It tastes good to me.
And I am just ADDICTED tottaly and completely.

[Courtney Was Here|0 likes] [|reply]

youre right =] and ya. i loveeee that movie.

[Cassie CatastropheStar|0 likes] [|reply]

ryc;
they are VERY yum. haha.

[•erinStar|0 likes] [|reply]

ryc--haha SO TRUE!

[yawn of birdsStar|0 likes] [|reply]

i'm glad you've come back...

[junkieStar|0 likes] [|reply]

next entry: sympathy for the devil

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