i got a little steamed up about this earlier, but a few minutes later i got really really sad about it and it actually made me cry ...
so Patrick (for anyone who doesn't know, thats my bf ^_^) was explaining to me why he loved heroin so much ... he basically described it as the best feeling in the world and he told me it was like he bonded with the drug, and that it was the closest bond he has ever felt in his life to anything ... he said no matter what, whether he was sad, happy, angry, stressed, upset ... whatever ... the drug was always there for him.
i actually feel jealous!! i'm sitting here kicking myself in the ass bc i feel this way. im actually acting like it was another woman he was with or something. but no. it was just a needle and some nasty little chemical.
but i was hit with the fact that what i believed all this time might have been a lie.
i actually, for a very long time, believed that the strongest and greatest bond out there was that of a man and woman in love. Whoops.
and this actually is eating away at my heart as i write this. i was so upset that i quietly went into my bathroom, closed the door, and sat there like a little emo shit and cried quietly. Of course, patrick asked to come in bc he knew i was sad about it ... and he hugged me the way he always does.
after that i came to chill on the internet just to clear my racing thoughts ... and he came into the bedroom to hug me from behind again but this time he had tears on his cheeks and he told me
"i love you. and i'm IN love with you"
i know.
i just dont understand how injecting yourself with a chemical can feel better than being deeply in love with someone.
maybe i'll never understand.
because being in love is the highest i've ever been.
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We know he loves you and is in love with you, but when life fucks him over, like it does so many times, guess what makes him forget it? Herion. I dont think he is comparing it to you in a sense, but just saying it is the one constant he has had in his life/ It makes sense.
if you personally have never had a drug addiction (which, btw is exactly what your bf discribed,) you can't really understand. Heroin is a nasty thing, and i'm telling you, get him some help. I watched my former BF deteriorate over that and let me tell you this FACT: As long as he has smack, you'll always be second.