 Muahaha
SOOO ... i was upset after mine and patrick's argument this morning so i called my friend Kc, and he came and picked me up from my house and took me to Buffalo State College (where he goes to school) and now
i'm sittin here in the library waiting for him to get out of class so that we can chill or something. here is how the rest of the morning went after Patrick left ...
I decided to go through all of his shit. every envelope, everything. I found his script for his drug test at quest diagnostics hidden in a pair of pants. the funny thing about that is he had told me that he already went and took his drug test (which, if that was true, he wouldn't still have his script for it, because they take it from him when he gets there). I also found an empty half baggie sitting on the middle of the closet floor AND while i was rifling through all his pants i found a small black rubber band that is used to hold "bundles" together. SOo! By the time Kc got to my house, I had found all of this. I climbed in his car and told him he needed to take me to the junkyard where Patrick worked because i needed to ask him about it.
(for those who do not already know, i have crazy anxiety and will keep freaking out and feeling sick until i get whatever is bothering me taken care of)
I got to the junkyard and this is kinda how the conversation went: (i don't know how else to word everything without confusing everybody):
me: If i ask you something will you tell me the truth about it?
him: yeah
me: Did you go to your drug test?
him: no
me: then why did you lie to me about it?
him: I try and avoid conversations that will make you angry ...
me: don't you think our relationship would be better if you just told me the truth about shit??!
him: i dont know ... yeah ... probably ...
me: then why do you keep telling me lies?!
him: i just told you why!
me: that's fucking rediculous ...
him: what?
me: that you would fucking lie to one of the only people that has stood by your side this entire fucking time, through every fucked up thing you did!
him: ... *silence*
me: if i didn't fucking love you then i would have never risked my life and sanity for you. I need to fucking know if im wasting my time here with you. what the fuck do you think im going to do when im finding drug baggies all over the house randomly like its fucking going out of style!? im going to flip shit, only because of what i have risked for you. this is my fucking life im talking about. not something that is easily fixed once it is fucked up!
him: i told you all that shit is OLD! it must have fallen out of a pants pocket when i was going through them to check! do you really think that if i was doing drugs again and didnt want you to catch me, that i would just LEAVE baggies sitting around. i don't fucking think so ... i'm not stupid!
me: you left shit laying around when you used to do heroin, why not now??
him: because back then i didn't fucking care! i didn't care about anything, my life fucking sucked and i really had nothing to live for!!
me: oh well its nice to know that i wasn't worth living for in the tiniest bit. and how is your life now? your still complaining that it sucks anyway ...
him: my life is a little better now. i'm not doing drugs anymore, and now i feel like maybe i have something to live for and look forward to ...
there was some more stuff, but its all mooshy and about love and crap, it's the same stuff i hear all the time ... maybe its true, maybe it's not, i may never know ... i basically told him that if this relationship isn't important enough to him to fight for, then he can forget it. but he tells me it is important to him ... i just have to keep reminding him that actions speak louder than words.
I don't know, I'm just really frustrated about everything right now. this is a lot harder than i though it would be, but of course nobody said it would be easy. I'm spending the day with my friend Kc, just so i can chillax and get my mind off of everything, because i think thats what i really need.
I think patrick was actually jealous that kc and i were hanging out. but he knows it was never like that. kc has always been there to look out for me ... like a big brother (but younger lol)
he's watched me get torn up about tony, and now patrick.
i swear.
i know how to pick winners.
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No one seems to understand "actions speak louder than words" because I try to tell guys that ALL the time. Never works. I think we both might pick the "winner" (which is sarcasm at it's finest). I'm sorry he hid that from you, staying clean is a BIG deal and I'd be upset if I found that shit at my place.
