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Good days, bad days, all days
by snowflaked

previous entry: Father's Day - Four

Reflective Day - Six

06/25/2011

Yesterday was pretty fun, I s'pose. I planned a surprise leaving party for my friend who's moving to Michigan for College. He didn't seem overly thrilled about it, which kinda hurt, tbh, but I can't hold that against him. My best friend was uncomfortable, which made me uncomfortable too. though, if you look past all that, it was nice to relax and spend time with different people.

I text my boyfriend earlier, somewhat spontaneously, cos my parent's have gone out and the only people that will be in later is me and my sister (my brother will be on his date and his friend who's staying with us probably won't be in until much later). Since I don't like my sister, and I don't like being alone, I thought he could come over. We haven't seen each other for a while and it would've been nice to spend some time with him... but he can't. It took quite a lot of courage for me to ask him, him blowing me off like that wasn't the best way to encourage such behavior in the future.

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There's a part of me that's really really angry at everyone for not trying hard enough when I'm trying my hardest. This part of me wants to scream and shout and run away from everything and just start again. I want to reinvent myself the way I want to be, but I can't - I'm not old enough, I don't have the money, I don't have the balls.

There's another part of me that just can't be bothered to try anymore when every time I do everyone seems to try their hardest to go against me. it doesn't make sense to me anymore - I don't see WHY I should keep on trying to be better than what I am if no one's going to notice or encourage me or even care. This part of wants to crawl into a hole and wait to die. This part of me doesn't think anyone would notice.

And then there's one last part, that wants to keep trying to see if anyone does notice and to realize that I don't have to care whether or not they notice. This part wants to be able to do it all for ME. This parts the smallest and is losing horribly to the other two.

previous entry: Father's Day - Four

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well, i believe the one last part is the part that needs to push forth. do the right thing for the right reason.
live your life for you.
other people will come and go and you are the only one left you have to live with.
Make the foundation structure strong and solid.
It doesnt matter what others think.
that stuff doesnt last . youll never please everyone any ways.
It doesnt matter if you try hard and no one notices.
get used to it.
Just be a person of integrity and do what is true and right to you
and god.
you are never too young to walk in integrity and respecting yourself. I f you dont like a few things about yourself---tweek them, its ok. reinvent yourself if you have to,
to be the way you want to be. change your ideas and habits as you have grown. its totally ok.

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