It doesn't LOOK like anything. Here is my happy normal looking kid running around like a normal crazy kid, can you tell there is something 'wrong' with him? No. Now why does there have to be something 'wrong' with him? Why can't there be something right with him. I'm on this subject because I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at the way I've been feeling all day and I'm totally beating myself up about it. I love my son. He's my entire world and when he's not here with me I miss him so much. I just sometimes wish for that 'normal' child for just one day. I know, normal doesn't exist, it's just a figment of everyone's imagination, everyone's version is different, so its like utopia, it doesn't really exist. I signed Austin up for soccer for him to get some exercise and get him out of the house, in a different atmosphere hoping that he'd learn to listen a little at least. So this attempt is failing miserably. He doesn't want to play most of the time, I've been bribing him, begging him and than just giving up and getting upset because he's interested in everything else but soccer. He'd rather play with the grass on the ground, a piece of gravel, walk up and down the hill, check out the new baby or just play with his water cup. I took him to practice on Wednesday and that was a disaster. There is a small play area there so we went early hoping if he had the chance to play on it before practice he'd be more likely to practice. Well he didn't want to play on it until everyone else got there, then when it was time to practice all the other kids went to line up and he didn't want to. He kept saying no soccer. Then they were taking pictures in their uniforms, and all I could do was get Austin to stand in front of the soccer ball with his arms crossed while yelling no soccer and no smile. While I stood and watched them practice Austin sat in the grass crying to go home, and its breaking my heart because I don't know what to do. His dad says I'm too easy on him, that I constantly remove him from situations he doesn't want to be in without trying to get him used to it. So I was trying and it was awful. Then in the last 5 minutes of practice he goes and kicks the ball but was extremely happy when it was time to go home. I took him to the game today, I should have known it was going to be bad. When I showed up to mom's to pick him up he said he didn't want to go. No soccer, stay with Nana. We go to the game anyway, he won't listen. He's running around, running onto the field when he's not supposed to, he's screaming and yelling at me. It was awful. I ended up in tears, my mom felt bad and didn't know what to do. I had to go to work, I loaded him into mom's car and then I drove to work. I lost it when I got there. My boss can be good for unloading on, he does it with me sometimes when things are bothering him, he's a good guy for that. I just bawled, telling him that I felt like an awful mom because I wanted my kid to be different if just for one day. I wanted him to play soccer and be interested in something besides his trains. I wanted the entire world to understand that he's autistic and stop looking at us like we're insane all the time. I wanted someone to hug me and tell me that I'm not a bad mom, that just cause he's not listening, just cause he's totally refusing to even try to play that I'm still a good mom. I love my kid. You can't tell an autistic child just by looking at him. My kid looks just like your kid, he's got a big smile, an infectious laugh and the biggest hugs ever. I need a support group. I need somewhere I can go to talk to mom's who know exactly what I'm going through. I need answers to my questions, ideas on how to handle situations. I just need help. I hate admitting I need help, that I don't have the answers. He's 100% potty trained, no more pull ups, not even at night. He's starting to read, he loves his abc's. He loves numbers and colors. He's so super smart. How do I turn super smart into an outside activity, how do I make it into exercise? Ugh I know this is long and I'm sorry for it. I'm just down and out, not sure where to turn from here.
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