♥I feel like a failure

03/25/2010

Real entry is back one

I think we are taking Claire to straight formula. It went from everything going fairly well to suddenly not very quickly. I had always had worries about how much she was getting from the beginning but now there are more concerns.

1. Lazy latching - Day one since birth she never had any problem latching. The lactation consultants and my doctors were so not only surprised but excited for us because she was doing so amazing. Now shes not. You cannot get her to latch for anything, even on the breastflow bottles she has problems. The only reason you can really get her to latch any easier there is you can put it into her mouth a little further.

2. Quantity - She is seeming hungrier all the time. She is supposed to be going through a spurt and eating more but I haven't noticed it. But from the beginning she gets on the breast and falls asleep and sleeps like the dead. You cannot wake her up to feed at all. Get her down to her diaper no clothes on, move her arms and legs, wiggle it around in her mouth. There is just no waking her up to get her to eat. Sometimes when you take her off she will wake up but that is usually it. She never eats longer then fifteen minutes or so and even when you switch her its right back to bed.

3. Psychology - aka my malfunctioning brain. With everything that happened when I was younger as far as sexual abuse and stuff I cannot bring myself to breastfeed in public cover or not. I can't even feed in front of people I know except my husband.

4. Time - A friend is having the same problem and called le leche league and they told her this basically. Because the baby is feeding for such a short period of time on either breast she is only getting the front milk and not the hind milk which is empty calories and sugar causing all her gasiness (* i havent gotten there yet ). They gave a few recommendations that are more then time consuming not including the 45 minutes or so to feed and logically as horrible as it makes me sound I cannot do it right now with everything going on.

5. Gas - she has not been having bowel movements the last 4 days or so... she had one single one in that time period and it was a diarrhea blowout. Not even spots in her diaper. We have to wait to be in processed here at base to make her an appointment for that. She is gassy all the time, she will cry and cry and cry until she passes a bit of gas and then sometimes go a few minutes and cry and cry til she does it again. It could be one toot she could go on for an hour or so like that. When they said the way she was eating could be causing it that sort of pushed me even closer to bottles.

Josh's biggest concern is the way it stresses me out. I have cried a few times because I feel helpless when she cries like that , or when she eats and eats and is still hungry or not getting enough. This too though is a brain thing for me, I really wanted even if it was just out of public and at home to breastfeed her and its kinda killing me. It is making me hang on to it and I am letting it stress me out when I logically know this time around it is not working for us. I keep telling myself that each child is different and born at a different time in your life and both those things help dictate the process and how successful you are. Right now with the move and things going on and the problems she is having its just not logical. If I can tear myself away from it crying this time I will just have to keep telling myself the next one might be different and giving my baby formula doesn't make me a bad mother. I never thought it did, exactly the opposite, I am just getting really good at making myself feel guilty.

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