Everything is the same.
I haven't started yet. It's been 2 weeks since the last insemination. But I'm too scared to test. What if it's another negative?? Can I take that right now?
I've been having a lot of problems with depression here lately. The kind of problems that get you put in therapy. [Which I'm now doing once a week.] bleh.
There's two main things I can't stop thinking about. Pregnancy, or lack thereof.
And my "father".
He was never around me. I saw him just a few times during my life. I always thought, one of these days, he would come find me. He'll walk into my job or knock on my door and want to be there for me. Want to be a part of my life. I've also always went through the...If my own dad can't love me, no one can. It's been a long tough road dealing with all of it. But the hope was always there. He'd show up and want me to be daddy's little girl.
But at the first of the year, word came to me through family and friends that he died. So all of that hope goes right out the window. I'll never hear a knock at the door and him be standing there when I open it. I'll never hear a familiar voice in drive-thru and it be him that pulls around the building. I'll never see him. Never know for sure that he loved me. The chance is gone. The dream of one day being daddy's little girl, demolished.
That's a lot to deal with in itself. Then with me not getting pregnant yet. I'm just so stressed. Too stressed.
later you guys.. |
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How soon after insemination can you start testing?
Maybe you'll get a nice surprise. 
Sweet heart I know that you are going through such a hard time right now! Maybe after this insemination you should take a small break, get your head back in order and then try again! Honestly a big part of getting pregnant is your attitude towards the idea..I know that you want a child very badly but is it possible that a part of you still isn't quite ready for it? If so you could be unconciously stopping yourself! I love you baby girl and I'll call you as soon as I get the chance, once I get to update you'll see whats been going on thats kept me away for so long!