It's been a while... Wow

04/01/2010

Wow this is so crazy.. I was on this site (OD) for probably a good two years, then I had to delete my diary. That was about a year ago. (Same screen name). I can't beleive how many people are still here. So... a little background:

First off, I'm back because I'm bored. I miss blogging and the support I got from this site. The whole energy of it. Yeah there was negative but, eh, it's the internet. One of my biggest things were "Get over it!"

But when I was on here I was married to someone named Dennis. An alcoholic and abusive. Not to the point that I got the crap beat out of me every day but bad things were happening and abuse is abuse... plain and simple. I don't love him and I don't feel I ever did. I was young and dumb and didn't know what marriage really meant. We had a son, David (he's 4 now) and had a baby I lost at 6 months pregnancy Jason. That pregnancy nearly killed me. Well anyways, I left my ex husbands house December 2008, and my divorce is still NOT OVER!!! He is fighting hard for my son and if he were a decent father I wouldn't mind sharing custody. But someone who would put apple juice in a beer bottle so his 2 yr old could be like Daddy is not fit, neither is someone who ran into the back of the high school in his pick-up DRUNK, or wanted to take David with him while he was driving drunk. My god. I let a lot of irresponsible things happen (nothing life endangering, I swear. I put my foot down on drinking and driving with our son. Wanna kill yourself? Go for it. Please, go to jail before you kill someone else!) There was no arguing with him. His way or get out, he is right, I am wrong. He was a manipulative son-of-a-bitch and my God I don't hate anyone more than him.

I am now doing much better. Money sucks, but a lot are struggling. I met someone wonderful, his name is Daniel (all the "D" names, I know.) I never knew someone could be like him. Completely wonderful, considerate and if I get mad at something he gets mad. He has my back and I can tell him EVERYTHING. I've never had that in my whole life. always felt like I had to hide things from everyone, my husband, my mother, friends. I'm afraid of dissapointing people I guess. Don't like to be rideculed (sp?). He has my passwords to everything, he will to this too. And if I have a vent about him, he will know. Me and him met at work, (in colorado, small city, 2 hours south of Ex), and I just invited him to my house for a BBQ my room mate was having. Things moved forward, declared ourselves dating the next day and have not left each other's sides since then, which was August. In September he moved in. I'm crazy, I KNOW!!! Lol. It just felt right. We moved super fast and if I were on the outside looking in on someone else, I would tell them they are on crack! But thats okay. He is a wonderful man. Oh, I'm going to be 25 late April, he turned 21 December. He's a youngin'. But he doesn't go to bars, rarely drinks, and no drugs. I love his family and they love me, treat me as one of their own kids. That's something I didn't have with my ex. His family was just... bad. Overbearing and a bunch of crazy white trash rednecks. Ha.

So then guess what happened? October we got pregant. Holyyyyyyyyy shiiiiiiiit. Not planned. We had already decided that we wanted a kid together in about 5 years. Marriage was in the picture too later down the road. (Not rushing into THAT one again). But, shit happened. We discussed our options, (he does have a one year old daughter as well) and decided we wanted the baby. No abortion (I can't do that anyhow) and adoption would probably tear us apart. (I have been down that road too, later blog). So yay! Baby on the way! So, I am now six months along, broke, with a 4 year old, unfinished divorce but great support as far as Daniel and his side of the family goes. My mom.... ugh. I told her about 4 1/2 or 5 months along, and she tried sooo so hard at that moment to be as supportive as I needed her to be. My ultrasound to find out the sex was just a few weeks after I told her. She of course wanted me to call her for that but I had told her as far as everything goes in my life I wasn to be honest with her. I'm not 17! I mean, up until that point she didn't know about Daniel and me dating or anything. So I just sprung this on her. And yeah, she was concerned with the relationship being so new. I can completely understand! And it's not like me and Daniel have been through only sunshine and rainbows. No, we have had trials and rough times that we are over and have worked through. So anyways...

Then was the big day, ULTRASOUND! I have, from day one, been completely and utterly set on a girl. I have had 2 boys, one that died 2 years ago and I just wanted my last shot at a girl. I had just convinced myself that I was having a girl and boy was not an option. Yeah, I know... because I can choose that. Ha! Well with Daniel's background of having a girl and a lot of Aunts (no paternal siblings) that it was for sure. He said he didn't care either way, he would be happy with whichever, but I knew he wanted a boy. I think just about every soon-to-be dad wants that. So we went to the doc's and they kept us waiting for a good hour and a half past our appointment, plus the extra TWO WEEKS (I had my U/S at 22 wks instead of 20, it just drove me crazy waiting) we get in there... and what's on the screen? A very large PENIS! Ha ha! I cried for that whole day. No, I seriously cried. And poor Daniel just wanted to jump up and down with excitement but held it in very well and just held me. And so I texted my mom with, "IT'S A BOY!!!!" And her reply (I shit you not): "Oh, well I guess your not going to get your girl then. Too bad." I was like, wow, ouch. So I explained to her how upset I was about and and how mad I was at myself for BEING upset and this was my LAST SHOT. I told her god was punishing me for giving my daughter up for adoption when I was 18, and now I'm fucked. She just told me that I should only be concerned if the baby is healthy and nothing else. Pretty much none of my concerns were valid. And at the time, as trivial as they may seem, they WERE. I wanted a mother-daughter bonding relationship unlike the one I had. So yeah, she made me cry more.

But I got over it all the next day. I'm not going to blame it on hormones, (they make me cry over Foldgers coffee commercials, lol, not give me invalid feelings. And that excuse I refuse to use as a crutch!) But I then decided, you know what? I'm better off raising a son. Been there, done that, and me and another girl when periods are going on... ugh not so much. Plus, I have a step-daughter! (kind of). I can have fun with her and then when she is PMS-ing, back to your Mom's! Lol! So YAY! Little boy. We both decieded on a name we loved within a week, Tyler Daniel. I know the middle name seems corny, but I had a brother pass from SIDS when he was an infant (before I was born) but his death took a huge toll on my life in the way my mom raised me, and I just feel connected to him in some way. So middle name Daniel after his Daddy and Tyler was totally an inside joke from before me and Daniel started dating. There's a band called Theory of a Deadman (they sing Bad girlfriend and hate my life) they are my favorite band. Well Daniel seriously resembles the lead singer (now, not back in the day when he had handlebars) and I used to call him Mr. Connelly or Tyler Connelly (lead singers name). Plus I just love the name.

But my Mom doesn't know the baby's name, or that I am not circumcizing him, or that fir the first birth out of 4 kids I am having an epidural! Sorry, going the easy route this time. And OMG! Circumcizing! NOT doing it is SUCH a big deal to women because it looks weird! Really! Daniels not cut and OMG sex is great. Prefer that over a cut man ANY DAY. And I just don't think it's necessary. Anyways. All my mother is obsessed with is my divorce. Not priority. My kids are. But yeah, she really doesn't care. Its really painful for me. And wow, this is so long. If you read it you get a cookie! Gonna end it now.

-Heather