I don't know why I'm writing this. I really don't know if I want "certain people" to read this... especially the person I'm going to be writing about, In another sense, maybe if she reads this she will understand,
I just broke up with my best friend of seven years. Without explanation. And I am a total bitch, I know. But I have my reasons.
Let me start out by saying I'm really sad about it. I still want to randomly text her and see what she's doing, I still miss talking to her, and I always wonder if shes okay.
But I don't regret what I did.
And this is why. From the beginning. Everything on my mind.
When we first met, we hated each other. For a long time. She was married to my ex husbands brother, so we were family. We really tried to forced our friendship at first, because we were family. And things would blow up between us. she thought I was a snob and stuck up, I thought she was a bitch. And a snob. After some years we sat and talked and got over it. I really don't know why we hated each other so much back then, I don't remember what all we did to hurt each other. I do remember a few instances of me putting my confidence in her and her blabbing behind my back. That kind of sucked.
I guess the hurtful things I can remember is when we were becoming close. (And I remember we used to have so much fun!) But it was July 2008. I was pregnant with a baby boy at the time and I ended up delivering him at six months pregnant at home. I spent the night in the hospital and held him while he died. I was so... broken up. My husband at the time wasn't there for me, of course. Tiffany drove our mother in law to the hospital to see me, but she could only stay a few minutes because Tiff was in a hurry. she couldn't even come in and face me. She couldn't say anything to me. Wouldn't even talk to me. I didn't understand why. I didn't so anything to her. I needed her so bad, and she wasn't there. Later on (days? A week? A month? I can't remember) she came to me bawling. Her and her husband were getting a divorce, he had been cheating. And I then understood why she wasn't there, she had her own problems. But why should she expect me to comfort her, I was still dealing with my sons death. I think we both really hurt each other then,
Soon after, I left my husband. I ended up moving in wth her and one of her boyfriends. I remember we were both on the rebound,, I went from guy to guy to guy, and she was dating up to five guys at one time. I found out she was calling me a whore to this girl, Beth. (the relationship between her and Beth is very complicated, but they ended up in a poly relationship with her and her husband for three years). ME?! A WHORE?!?! I understand I wasn't an angel, but people in glass houses shouldn't... well, you know. She still won't admit to that.
Then one day her boyfriend texts me while I'm at work. "We moved to Utah. Rent is paid for one week." No warning, they just up and left me while I was at work. They drove right past my work to get to Utah! And very soon after she suspended my phone for no damn reason. So, no place to live, and no way to contact anybody. Thanks, BFF.
Everything turned out ok and we worked through it. So, she then moves to Indiana to be in that relationship with Beth and her husband, Eric. Which she wasn't even going to tell me she was moving, but did at last minute. That just showed me how much she thought of me. Her relationship turns to shit. Beth is mean to her, makes her feel worthless, puts her hands on her, and Tiff just always called me with her problems. I offered her one solution: Get the FUCK out of there. She could live with me. I would find a way to get her. We would set a date she was coming out, and I wouldn't hear from her. All of the sudden, things were great with her and Beth. This was constant. I was always worried about her, and maybe I stuck my nose in too much. I know I did. I should have just lended and open ear and left it at that. But that is so hard for me, when you see someone you love hurt so bad.
She stayed with them for three years. She recently got out and moved in with Gina, to Missouri. I was so happy!! And I really liked/lke Gina. She seems really nice and like she would treat Tiffany like she deserved. But then, she starts talking to Beth. All day, every day. I convince her to block her from her life, change her number, and she did. For a day. That was it. Beth has been nothing but disrespectful to Tiff, and CUNT to me, when all I was doing was standing up for Tiff, ONLY BECAUSE SHE ASKED ME TO! And I got blamed. I was the one told to basically "accept her or fuck off", basically. Fuck. That. And you want to choose HER over your best friend, and the girl who is supporting you while your JOBLESS! Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. NO!
And then, all of the sudden ou of the blue, she says she has BPD. AKA Borderline personality disorder. Not saying she made it up, I'm just saying she never entrusted me with it. She starts posting stuff on Facebook about how miserable she is, how she wants us all to understand and walk in her shoes. I don't understand it, but she was in this funk forever. Why? Why not choose to STOP lying to people, take control of your life and your depression? She did NOTHING for herself. I think she wanted us all to feel sorry for her. I think thats a part of that disorder. You choose the outcome of your life. I have been through some pretty serious shit, and I had to choose to not want to die every day. To want to be happy. And to love myself. I did, I am, and I do.
So I gave up on her. I can't have someone that negative. Someone I can;t trust, and that obviously can't trust me. Someone who is my best friend, who is sitting around doing nothing all say, but pushed ignore when I call her. I am a way better person than you make me feel, Tiffany. I am a mother now. I have to worry about them, not you, And the fact you PUT US IN DANGER by still communicating with Keith (Tylers sperm donors brother, the one I want NOTHING to do with) and I was honest with you on how I feel about you talking to him. You didn't even offer to stop. You "sexting" with him was more important than me and my son. all for a false feeling of confidence he was giving you. How fucking selfish,
So I am still angry, after everything. All these years. Never an explanation, never an apology. I cut my losses, and you are out of my life.
If you happen to log back into your diary and see an update from me, if you read this, just know the reason why I didn't tell you why I cut our ties is because I didn't want to say this to you. I didn't want to tell you how angry I was all of these years... I couldn't let it go. I couln't hurt you while you were depressed and I didn't want to abandon you. I didn't abandon you though, with all of your actions, throughout the years, you pushed me away. I can never trust you again, after everything, And you never trusted me. You chose everyone else that hurt you and made you feel worthless over the people that tried to make you feel like the beautiful person you try to be. That's okay, it's your life. But this is your closure, I know you want it. I don't care what you tell everyone about me. Tell them what you want. I know who i am, I know mu faults my flaws and my qualities. I hope someday you find yours.
Goodbye.
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