Have you ever thought that the star the wise men follow to the manger could be an alien spaceship, the baby an ET in disguise, the prophets plucked from earth like fish hooked from water? Do you think Santa suspicious? Do you wish for stronger egg nog? Do you ever think that they just don't make conspiracy theories like they used to?
When I walked to the car yesterday I found a grey young man eating flesh from the neck of an old woman bleeding on the sidewalk.
"Hey, hot stuff. You want to come to my house and watch some porno?" said the zombie, with a dripping blood vessel hanging from his lips.
"Sorry mate, not much into zombies. Or men. Or messy eaters. Christ, man, ever hear of a napkin? How did you get to such an undead state, anyway?" I asked.
"Alcohol! What else? Actually, I was trampled to death by shoppers last year at the foot of Walmart. I must remain on the earth until I slay Walmart for vengence, or until someone loans me 20 bucks to bribe my way into heaven.
My nemesis was born when the great god Pepsi decided to seduce young maidens, Pepsi tramped down from the Sears tower disguised as a stock offering. He found Hillary Clinton and a thousand ancient millionaires and they bred on the ashes of aging distribution models nationwide. From this union was born Walmart, and independent retailers the world over trembled under his ferocious cost models and devestating choices of location. I fear my wordly weapons will have no affect on this monstrousity. If only I could get him to climb the empire state building with a hot blond, someone would surely shoot him down." he said.
"Can't you take 20 dollars from one of these people you eat?" I asked.
"Noone carries paper money anymore, it's all plastic, plastic, plastic. The angels refuse to install a credit card reader on the gates of heaven. They say that the interest charges are the embodiment of evil. God wanted to add an 11th commandment prohibiting interest charges in excess of 20% monthly, but it would not fit on the stone tablet"
I floated him a dollar and wished him luck. Have an original holiday. Have another candy cane. Have an illegal cigar on blue snow. Have a winter filled with waking living and walking dead.
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