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nouveau départ.'s Diary
by nouveau départ.

previous entry: [TWO] My Purpose?

next entry: [FOUR] Struggle. Pt. 2

[THREE] Struggle. Pt. 1



It's been a while since I've written. I don't get on my computer too often but I need to make it more of my routine.

Since my last entry, life has been struggle.

My husband struggled with his health. He was gone for a week and I was left alone. He is home now and recovering. Mostly just sleeping almost all day.

The end of last week was crappy at work. Earlier in the week, Tuesday, when I clocked out I accidentally stated I didn't take a lunch break. When I asked my coordinator (lets call him Gourdo) if I could just leave 30 minutes early on Friday to make up the time, he told me no. I was taken back a bit because it didn't seem like it was a big deal to leave THIRTY minutes early. He spewed some bs to me as why I couldn't.

Part of our time system, we have to manually enter holiday hours for PTO. The procedure is to enter it into the time system program and then email Gourdo and my boss (lets call her Sarah) so they are able to go into the program to approve the time. So as I was writing up the email I decided to make a note stating that my time was incorrect for Tuesday because of the no lunch thing and Gourdo stated he would fix it since I wasn't able to just leave early on Friday. Well Gourdo didn't like that much. Mainly because what he told me was complete BS so now that Sarah saw it, he needed to BS his way through it again.

Here's a little back story on Gourdo, I don't care for him. He is a know-it-all and seems to BS his way through too much. He always has to have the last word and if you do something he doesn't like/approve, he acts like a middle schooler not getting his way. That is how he acted regarding the situation with me emailing him and Sarah. Now, Sarah has always been a laid back boss I think. As long as you put in your 40 hours a week, she isn't too stern on much at all. So when Gourdo said no, that's why I dragged Sarah into it to let her indirectly know what he's doing.

So that time clock situation happened on Thursday. Well every Friday, Gourdo emails everyone and says "make sure you check your time is correct." THen a little later he sent me an email asking why I was clocking in before my scheduled time. I'm supposed to start at 7:30am and leave at 4pm. A few days I clocked in a few minutes after 7, or like 7:15/7:17am. I got paid Friday and on that check i got 1.2 hours overtime. ONE POINT TWO hours. Which means only like half hour or so A WEEK! Is that even a big deal to email me stating to not clock in until 7:30? Yet my roommate (lets call her Marcy) works TEN HOUR days since I started back at work. But yet, my 1.2 hours is just too much. *eyeroll*

Anyway, so after the email he sent me about my hours, he proceeded to email everyone stating they need to work their schedule time. The thing with my job I've noticed is a huge inconstancy in a lot. This pay period they'll be strick on hours, but next pay period they might not be. One person can do this while the other person can't. They have favorites without a doubt. Which I supposed it most anywhere you work.

I was already in a grumpy mood Friday, and then he just got under my skin with that email.

After that, I decided to just get some space and go for a walk away from my desk. I was going to go outside so I took my coat with me. Then realized the area I would go is in sight of Sarah's office. So I decided just to sit by the front door in the chair there for my 30 minutes for my lunch break. I went back to work and when I walked into the office, Marcy said "oh did ya leave?" I said "yup" and dropped it. I stuck my headphones in and listened to music. I wanted to get through the next four hours and go home for the weekend. I needed the break from everyone there.

As I was working, I heard some commotion in the hallway. Apparently Gourdo and Marcy found a funny youtube video and were laughing. Soon, another coworker got into the laughter (lets call her Sue). They were all laughing and having a good time. Then Gourdo said "Oh we should show this to Nancy (another coworker)!!!!" Now, let me tell you about Nancy. She in an office alone and sticks to herself A LOT. Everyone seems to not really include her in much. So when I heard Gourdo basically announce to share the video with Nancy, I knew it was an indirect hit towards me. He wanted me to know they were including Nancy but weren't going to ask me to watch the video.

Any other time, they would have included me. Even if I was at my desk working like I was, they would have went in and said "you have to watch this!!" but did they Friday? No. As I stated above, Gourdo is very "my way period" type of person. I don't think many people have challenged him like I do. I'm sure any one else that couldn't leave work early would have just let it go. But to me, that's rediculous and Sarah needs to know what kind of BS he says to us. Since I challenged him and his decision, he pouted in a way by excluding me with that whole video thing.

Now, before all of this, Marcy and I were pretty close or so I thought. I was venting to her before I left for my lunch. He met with her and said no more overtime. I went on my lunch and came back. My phone rang and it was another coworker (lets call her Cindy) and said to met her in the printer room. So I did. She said while I was gone, Gourdo and Marcy got all quiet and whispering in his office. Cindy stated she went into the office and they immeditely stopped whispering, she said whatever she needed to see and left, and they went back to whispering. She said just watch what I say around Marcy because it seemed like she was talking about me to Gourdo. I thanked her for letting me know and we went back to our desks.

From that moment, I decided I was done with coworker relationships. We are all adults yet I feel like I'm in high school agian. I'm done trying to have funa at work. I'm doing with trying to be everyone's friend. I'm just done. So the rest of the day I said nothing to anyone, listened to my music, finished my work and left for the day.

I cried on my way home. Being isolated is not who I am. I want to talk to people. I want to have friendships. But at the same time, I can't keep trusting people that seem to turn on me so quickly. I can't set myself up for that failure.

A part of my anxiety is over analyzing EVERY damn thing possible. So yes, I thought about this more than I should over the weekend. Yesterday I dreaded to go into work this morning. I didn't want to be around those people anymore.

part two entry coming next....

previous entry: [TWO] My Purpose?

next entry: [FOUR] Struggle. Pt. 2

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