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~Nighty~'s Diary
by ~Nighty~

previous entry: The floor is eating me, I think

next entry: Tricia's soul shines

I give up.

01/01/2010

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I sit here, near crying. I know my tears are on the inside, struggling to overflow. What can I do? Nothing really. There is nothing I can do really. No one understands. His mother certainly doesn't.

It's not something you just "get over". It's not something that "isn't a big deal", and it's not something "minor". I'm not faking it...it's real.

I wish she would realize that if I can't take it when people raise their voices, I cannot take ANY form of physical violence...even in jest. I mean fuck, smacking me on the shoulder, swatting my ass to get my attention...while these may not bother other people...they do me. I can't do it. I tried to be reasonable today. I was tired, ready for bed, and yet, I was upstairs trying to figure out dinner. I thought it would be nice to be able to have dinner ready for Muti when she got home from work. Well apparently I wasn't paying enough attention to her, cause she swatted me with a spoon. I reacted. Each time, I'm reacting worse and worse. I tried to calm down enough to explain to her that hitting me can send me into a flashback. Her response? "You need to just get over that."

WTF?! I'm tired of people suggesting I can just wave my hand and it go away. It's not that simple. It's a real disorder for crying out loud...a real disability. I'm so fed up...people think I exaggerate it when I don't. What I have is chronic PTSD, and it's severe. I do avoid things that can set me off. I think it's best for my mental well being, and everyone else's. It's embarrassing to have episodes in front of people. I do a damn good job hiding it. It hurts me when people suggest it's not like I say it is. Well you know what? Next time, I won't tell you not to hit me. I won't warn you. I'll just let it play out.

It doesn't help that I've hit that point again. I am depressed, and I lack motivation. I don't want to do anything, I don't want to talk to anyone hardly, and I sure as hell don't want to be putting up with anyone's crap. Thing is, when I get like this, I'm easier to throw into an episode. I'm weak.

I'm just so fed up.
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previous entry: The floor is eating me, I think

next entry: Tricia's soul shines

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Honey! You can NEVER give up. I know that what you have is real and that it's a real problem for you. People tend not to understand issues they don't have themselves.
I may not have that particular problem but I do have similar ones and I understand. You might need to go to therapy honey. I don't want someone setting you off and you doing something you'll regret when you come back to yourself.

Remember, I love you and if you need to talk, I'm here.

[materialvamp|0 likes] [|reply]

As I have experienced, "getting over it" is easier said that done. I don't want you to think this away again, Desi, it's not good for you. Try to relax, get a new hobby, try that pen pal website that I linked you. Just don't give up, okay? As my topher says, "try not to let it get to you so much." But again, I have a hard time remembering that. If you wanna talk,you know how to reach me.

[knuffle bunnyStar|0 likes] [|reply]

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