I'm tired of being poor, I'm tired of always struggling to pay the bills, make ends meet, have enough money to buy food - not even splurging, just the necessities. This past month with the little extra from taxes and school was great, it reminded me of when I was working and didn't have to worry every day if I was going to make it. Now we're back to nothing extra, with only $20 left in the bank until I get paid in another two weeks (no, that is not a request for help, just a statement of fact), all those wonderful ideas of organizing and improving things around the house are dashed, unless of course, by some miracle, we can sell a lot of the stuff we have in one fell swoop, which would be wonderful. And we're gonna need it real soon too, with appointments set to get Jon's teeth done, we have to have more money soon. Mom, as usual, is being stingy. First she offers to help, but then when things don't go her way, now she is wavering and might not..."we'll have to wait and see". Totally pisses me off. She does this a lot and I'm beginning to see why she sometimes has such a hard time in life, not only in relationships, but other aspects too. She wants to be in complete control of everything and all it does is piss people off and ruin things when she goes back on her word. I used to not see it or ignore it but it's hurt me and others too many times now to not pay attention. If there were any other place to live or any other way to change these circumstances we are in, I would but right now we don't have a choice. Jon can't get a job, I have to be here to take care of Ouma, and nothing I have for sale is selling, which is really frustrating. I even tried listing things on craigslist and still only a few bites but no real takers. The only other option is to pack everything up that we want to sell, rent a space at a flee market for the weekend and find some way to haul it there and see if we can get some stuff to sell, or have a permanent garage sale set up at the house, close it down on Saturdays and have the signs up for every other day of the week and see if we get anyone that is interested. And not having money and being trapped in the house really irks me too and it's driving Jon mad too. It's bad enough that he's off his meds because they wouldn't refill them and didn't give us any warning but now not having any money to go out or even go for a drive to relieve his tension and anxiety- he's already feel bad about not being able to get a job and now with all this other stuff on top, he's really struggling and me too. And Garret- arg, still really struggling with him. He's been at 2's and 3's in school this week, even down to a 1, and last week too, just horribly rough; can't focus, not listening, pushing other students, and other such bad behaviour. We've talked and punished and loved and let him talk and nothing is working right now. It's so frustrating. I'd love to take him to a psychologist to get some help, but again, we're back to not having any money to pay for it. ARG, why does it always come down to money??? I hate that. I don't like having my life run by money, or the lack of it. And right now I can't see any way to get out of this hole we're in. We just need a few little things to go right, for some stuff to sell, to have a job open up, etc. (to win the lottery, just a small one...I know...bad girl, but it really would be used for so many good things like Jon's teeth, pay off bills, pay off mom's house, my teeth, other health issues, etc.)
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