As I sit here entering and labeling all these clothes for the sale, I'm falling into a serious depression. I'm really sad that I have such beautiful clothes that I can no longer wear and really sad that it's been a waste to keep all these clothes while allowing myself to blow up like a blimp and not do anything about but only spend more money to buy more clothes instead of losing the weight and being able to wear what I had. It was really hard to put all my gorgeous formal dresses up for sale, things I had hoped to wear again some day, for whatever reason, but some of them I know I may not fit into again for 3-4 years (like those awesome size 16's) and I'm so sad that I just let myself go like this. Beyond the fact that I am realizing just how much stuff, physical and emotional, I have been hanging on to, especially in regards to clothes and any clutter that makes me feel comfortable and complacent, I am just disgusted with myself and really discouraged. It doesn't help that I'm really tired and this stupid stuffed up nose and ear problems won't go away, and of course, I have no money to go to the dr or get any meds, so I'm stuck just dealing with it. I know that losing a bunch of weight would make an immense difference in my health too, but there are some issues, like my sleep apnea, that need specialty care, something I can't get even if I wanted to right now. And there is still no movement on my state health application, all they can tell me is I'm still on the waiting list and I haven't been picked in the lottery for it. And the county health around here is a joke, over a month or more to get an appointment or be put on the waiting list, unless I walk in as an emergency/urgent care, and then I have to be there at 9am, which is nearly impossible for me, and it costs at the very least $40 or so, but they can't really tell me until I get there and fill out all the paperwork and put it in the system.
And matt...grrr, the man is so frustrating. He starts a conversation on Friday night about how Tina (his fiance) is upset about how he is spending $1000+ a month in child support and how that is enough for a house payment and he wants to know the situation at home, how's the job searching going, am I still going to school, when will I graduate, etc. If it hadn't been presented so oddly, I wouldn't have minded the questions, but it was the way he phrased things and put me on edge. It sounded like he was saying Tina was regretting him paying the child support and that he was edging for it to be lowered later on and was pushing for us to get jobs and make more money for our house so he wouldn't have to support us so much. I left feeling very odd and pondered it all the way home and through the night and when I woke the next morning, I was in a bad mood and feeling very guilty, so I snapped off this reply to him:
On the way home last night I did a lot of thinking and I had didn't
sleep very well because I was really bothered by what you said. I know
you needed to know what was going on and what to tell her and while I
respect your (and Tina's) right to share your opinion on my life and
circumstance, of which I admit in some sense you are a part of, I don't
like to be made to feel guilty about circumstances that are mostly out
of my control. Yes, I admit there might be some things I can do to try
and change our circumstance but you also need to make one thing very
clear to her, child support is not going to go away, it's going to
continue for a very long time, 8 more years to be exact, and it most
likely will not decrease, and if it does, it will only be by a few
dollars at the most. I'm sure she realizes that if we ever pursued this
through the courts if would probably be a lot more. I get that she sees
all this money go away that she could use for other things, but you had
the kids and it's your responsibility to see that they are taken care
of, she should know that and respect that because of her bringing up her
own son. I'm doing my very best to manage things and even with the
latest increase I'm still not able to pay all my bills, we always run
short every month and I have to depend on others to help me buy food and
pay for gas, etc. I'm not a greedy person because I could have asked
for much more as others suggested, but I settled for what I thought I
needed at the time. I'm fine with it, I know it's a bit of a strain on
you, so I'm leaving it as it is and trying to figure out other ways to
solve my issues by selling anything I don't use or don't need, which
also helps with the excessive clutter around too. I have no hard
feelings but I just needed to let you know how I feel.
Bev
So on Sunday, he gently edges up and says while he didn't like the tone of the email, he understood and he wanted to clarify that Tina wasn't meaning to sound like she wanted him to reduce the payments, but instead she was concerned that with just the money he was giving us and not being able to have access to any more, she was concerned that Garret wasn't getting all that he needed. I left it alone at that, but it really pissed me off even more. If he would take all the money that he wastes on his son when he buys him useless garbage toys and movies I don't approve of him watching and would funnel that into useful stuff for Garret, then he wouldn't have to worry about anything. Besides the fact that we always see to it that Garret has everything he NEEDS, not everything he WANTS, but NEEDS. He wouldn't be a little pudgy boy if he didn't have everything he needed and more. And if I weren't doing everything I could to make sure he had everything he needs, I would be selling everything I don't need/want/am not using right now to make ends meet and make sure he has food, etc. Some days I realize that I am just too nice and need to be mean and nasty at times, but I know that doesn't usually get me anywhere, but sometimes that Tasmanian devil in me really really wants to let loose and rip into people when they are being idiots and making me feel bad for stuff that isn't my fault and I have no control over.
OK....my vent is done for the moment, back to tagging stuff for the sale...
******
Sad that I had to unfriend a sweet friend on FB today but she is pagan and her postings have become very spiritualist and filled with witch craft symbols and other such stuff that really bothers me. I don't criticize anyone for any religion they follow or choose not to follow but I have to make sure that I am surrounding myself with good influences and these were becoming very bothersome to me lately. I wish her well and happy in life but still sad that I cannot share and be close to her anymore.
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