After much thought and prayer, we
have decided to write this letter of explanation in response to the accusations
from earlier today and would very much appreciate it if you would read through
this completely, with as much of an open mind as possible, before any response.
As with any story or issue, there are always two sides to the story, with
elements of truth in both, so I seek your sense of fairness and justice to hear
our side. We will attempt to present the facts as accurately as we can recall
and to the best of our knowledge.
*************************************************************************************
When I started dating Jon, it was
instantly apparent that the distance would be a significant issue in our
relationship; though we tried commuting, the expense was too much for either of
us so we looked at other options. Obviously, because of my promise to Ouma that
I would always be here and take care of her until she died, I was not in a
position to move, which is why Jon considered moving here. When I mentioned this
possibility to mom and Ouma, great concern was expressed about how he would
find a job and housing, etc. and I was (pleasantly) shocked when Ouma suggested/offered
that he come to live here with me in the cottage. And because of the way his
family was treating him one of his main desires was to become part of a loving,
caring family, which was offered to him by Mom and Ouma; Ouma several times
referred to him as “my adopted son” which made him so happy at the time.
There were never any misconceptions
about Jon coming to live here with me; he knew that it would be a lot of work,
and he continued to look for a job to supplement our income, as he always has
and still continues to do to this very day. He like the idea of living in the
country and being able to work on “the farm” as he calls it, and to be able to
help us out; doing stuff for us that we weren’t able to do, feeling valued and
needed and appreciated for his knowledge and experience. His offer to help us
out came with only two requests (in addition to being considered one of the
family): the first was to be able to be able to choose from the extra tools in order
to build his own tool collection (which was agreed upon, but he later declined
after he decided to stay here with me for the long term) and the second was
autonomy (especially in reference to all the garbage and stuff in the garage)
and the freedom to use his best judgment in projects and clean up the property,
in order for him to work more efficiently and get things done in a timely
manner. This didn’t mean that he would
be taking over everything; he fully realized that this was mom’s property, but his
request was that she give him a list of things that she wanted done and he
would do it, to the best of his best ability and prioritizing them, along with
all the real-time requests and projects and other things that he was attending
to. After a lot of discussion, mom
agreed to this, and no, we didn’t write it down so there is no formal record of
the date or time this was agreed to, I only have an entry in my diary stating
that it was agreed to; moreover, that was Jon’s one major request and without
that assurance he would not have moved here.
Only a few short days after Jon
arrived though things started getting rocky, with a lot of miscommunications
and misunderstandings about signing contracts and such, which we thought had
all been worked through and agreed upon prior to Jon moving here. Through all the talking that came out of it, we
agreed that as a family unit (your own words mom) we could make this work to be
beneficial for all of us and that you trusted Jon to take care of sorting all
the garbage and little things and that he would report to you/confer with you
on any big money items to be sold or disposed of. We also revisited the subject
of him being able to work without being micro-managed so that he could get
things done without having to constantly stop and undo what he had worked on,
which would waste time. It was so imperative for him to know that you trusted
him, that you needed his help, that he could be useful around the farm and that
he wasn’t going to be a burden or that you just asked him to move here because
you felt sorry for him. You assured him that that wasn’t the issue and that you
wanted him here; that you needed him to help us. From the very beginning Jon
has been acutely aware of our situation and has been trying to help in as many
ways as he possibly can, though his ideas and ways may be different than what
we thought of or always agreed with, his intentions have always been to try and
help us and he’s always tried to do what is best for the family; never
considering himself. He had the organizational skills, the drive, and
determination that we didn’t have or didn’t have the time to deal with. After
this particular conversation, you promised not to micro-manage and you
indicated that you trusted him and would allow him to work more freely.
April through September of 2012 is
somewhat a blur to me, though I know that school was very difficult, there were
problems with Garret at school, and I think that’s about when Jon’s medication
started to not work as well, as well as mom’s stroke. What I do remember was
having to drop out of school for a while to pick up the slack as mom was
recovering, helping with all the canning, and storing of other foods we were
harvesting, and the constant buzz about never having enough money. I was very
frustrated by this because on several occasions I sat down with Mom to go over
the bills and update the budget and on the books there was always an excess of
$300 or more, not including when Melody temporarily moved in and was helping
out with the bills. I understand the extreme frustration of not having enough
money to pay the bills, of having to choose what to pay and what to put off, if
you can, of having to choose to buy food over paying the bills, etc. What made
things very frustrating was being constantly asked if I had any money, when you
knew I didn’t, and then laying down guilt trips that made me and Jon feel even
worse than we already did because we couldn’t help more. Indeed I was, and
still am, very angry at several inferences that you made that not being able to
pay the bill was Jon’s fault, because he couldn’t find a job or wasn’t doing
enough around the property, wasn’t selling things, etc. When in fact, Jon moving in has saved us
hundreds and hundreds of dollars, with all the things he has done and fixed and
sold, but instead the comments made him feel like he was being taken for
granted, his work wasn’t appreciated and like he was no more than a common
unpaid field laborer.
During this time period, there was also
another very painful experience that occurred. It was a “discussion” at which
Melody happened to be present because she was there that weekend and mom asked
her to be a part of it as “an outside observer” per se. Not that we really
minded, but the whole “discussion” turned out to be mom throwing up a smoke
screen of how she wanted things to work out and how we needed to this and that
to improve, when the whole reason the meeting was supposed to happen was for us
all to talk about things, but by the time the posturing was done, there was no
point in us saying anything because it was all made null and void by her
speech; plus Melody chimed in a few obscure thoughts, that while I’m sure they
may have been pertinent in some way, were obviously not based on the whole lot
of facts, since she’d only been talking to mom mostly and hadn’t bothered to
gather all the facts from all the parties…just as has been happening in this
case for the last few weeks. And to top off this wonderful experience, mom…you
stabbed us in the heart when you decided to kick us out of the family and make
it an “us vs. them” issues in your speech about “having to support 2 families
and 2 different households.” I tried to talk to you and Ouma after this to you
let you know how much this hurt us and really bothered us, but you insisted
that your attitude hadn’t changed, that you still treated us the same way. It
was also during this time that I lost my baby girl, my little Angel, the most
precious kitty who was like my own child. We still have not stopped missing her
or mourning her being gone; we still talk about her a lot, as well as our
beautiful Precious, whom we miss just as much, even though she’s only been gone
5 months or so.
October proved to be just as
stressful as the months before; had to continue my emergency leave from school
because mom still wasn’t well enough to keep up with all the things around the
house and property that she usually did. Looking back at my diary notes, it was
also during these months that I noticed a marked difference in her attitude and
her overall emotional control; or lack thereof…since then we’ve been doing a
lot of walking around on eggshells because neither of us like confrontations
and her blow ups are not pleasant to endure. I have suggested gently on many
occasions that she seek some help for her depression and emotional instability,
but the excuse was always that she didn’t have the money. Jon and I have done
our best to be diplomatic during these outbursts and it has even come to the
point of tearing our relationships apart when I try to point out both sides of
the matter, regardless of who is right or wrong. Mom continued to ask for help paying the bills
and we helped when possible, though we didn’t have a lot; we’d already used up all
our savings, both mine and Jon’s, to pay our normal bills. I tried selling on
ebay, and while I did do fairly well on some things, the extensive fees they
charged ate through any profits I might have made and I eventually had to pull
everything off. I have sold or put for sale everything of mine that I didn’t
need or want, often sacrificing things that I really liked and were precious to
me because I could get money from them. Not once, that I can recall, have you
ever said thank you for doing this; for hardly any of the sacrifice, until that
little talk a few weeks ago when you sprung all this on me. Additionally, with
all the extensive dental work for Jon that we have done and his many visits to
the doctor and changing medications to try and find something that works, we
are utterly tapped out. I do want to point out that while this new regimen of
meds isn’t perfect, for the first time in several years, he is finally able to
get more than a few hours of sleep a night, but he is still trying to recover
and work backwards to get onto some kind of schedule; it has been a very long
struggle, both for him and for me, some days are much worse than others but we
are still trying.
Melody – you accused me today of
not thinking about mom…of not putting myself in her shoes. For just one moment,
I would beg you all to consider MY position and my part in all of this. I came
to help take care of Ouma (and Oupa) willingly. I am ever grateful that they
allowed me to come here when I had no place to go. But I also sacrificed a lot
of my life, in essence, to stay home and take care of Ouma, while Mom went gallivanting
around on the weekends, spending money left and right that should have been
used to pay her bills, all the while after these weekends she would bitch that
she didn’t have money or had overdrawn her bank account. Until I met Jon, I had
had maybe 2 or 3 weekends off in 3-4 years. While I was drawing unemployment, I
helped as much as I could, even giving hundreds to thousands of my Pell grant money,
and tax refunds during the times I was able to. I have been bounced around like
a ping pong ball between everything that has happened; first when Rene was here
and all the drama between her and mom until she left, then feeling tied down
while mom takes weekends off left and right and I dutifully stay and take care
of Ouma, and now all the drama with mom ranting and taking digs at Jon for not finding
a job and not doing what she wants in the timeframe she wants it done in, while
he’s sick in bed and I’m fighting to stay sane myself and now being accused of
being unfeeling and uncaring and having to justify ourselves because no one
took one damn minute in the beginning to talk to us before stabbing us and
kicking us to the curb. I have spent these last few weeks, since mom sprung
this on me, thinking about this intensely, from every possible angle I could
imagine, how it affects each person involved. So YES, Melody, I have put myself
in my mom’s shoes, and Jon’s and Garret’s and Ouma’s.
This brings me to a few other
points. Mom – you seemed shocked this morning when I asked why you hadn’t
mentioned any of this before and you said “Well didn’t you see this coming?”
Uhhhh no, because you kept insinuating that you were handling things, even
though money was short, and you had fleetingly mentioned the idea of selling a
few times before, after the refinance
you never mentioned it again that I can recall, so of course I was shocked and
feel like I’ve had the world ripped from under my feet. Not only because you
never mentioned it seriously but also because you did the very least family
like thing and completely left us out of the conversation and the decision. Even
though, as you said “you didn’t think I would have anything of value to
contribute or any options to present that would have changed the situation” that
doesn’t matter. Family doesn’t act that way and my faith and esteem in you two
aunts is also greatly damaged for not insisting that we be consulted; gees, you
even asked Ouma what she wanted, why would you not consider our feelings and
thoughts and ideas? Do you really think we are just children who don’t know
anything?
And another thing Mom…my proof that
you had obviously been thinking about this for a while, since I have now
learned that you talked to Matt about it on the weekend in MAY that you drove
Garret up to him for me. I cannot even begin to express the amount of fury that
filled me when he told me. What you did was wrong on so many levels; I am still
ready to spit nails. You had NO business talking to him about it. NONE
WHATSOEVER. You betrayed me at the heart
in that instance and it will take me a very long time to forgive you for that. I want you to understand one thing very
clearly, your relationship and communication with Matt is only for emergencies
and to coordinate drop offs and pick-ups…NOTHING MORE! I still haven’t figured
out how to break this to Garret but I have decided not to say anything until
after he comes back from camp. I ask that you respect my right as his parent to
discuss this with him when I feel he is ready and in whatever capacity I feel
is best for him. Should he be in the room or within ear shot, please do not
discuss anything regarding this until he is not around. And one more thing,
while we’re on the subject: just as I have a contract not to talk disparagingly
about his father within his earshot, I will ask that any negative comments that
you have regarding myself or Jon be kept for discussion when he is not around.
I have requested this of Jon and myself here in our home and I would hope that
you would respect my wishes in this request of you. Garret’s love of you all is
very special and I guard that fiercely, no matter what issues we may have
between us, I want to make sure that his relationship with you is preserved in its
pureness.
I will not deny that there have
been times when 100% of effort were not given; sometimes I have been so emotionally
beat down that it was not in my to give, and in times like now, I am so
discouraged and depressed by what seems like an end for us, that I cannot grasp
everything and you come at me and I lash out. For this I am sorry, but I am
just trying to cope from one hour to the next at the moment. I am struggling
with insurmountable issues and challenges that I cannot understand or see a way
to solve. I can only give so much of myself before all of me is drained, and
right now I am on empty from all the stress and worry and sleepless nights. I
know that you are under a lot of stress Mom; I can see that, I can sense it and
I know it, probably more than you do. I am in the unique, though not pleasant,
position of experiencing this situation from all sides;
There are more things that I want
to say but I need to wrap this up for now. You have placed me and MY family in
a very difficult position. We have no
income to save since my child support doesn’t even cover the bills we now have
and we don’t get paid for all the hours of work we do here. Yes, you do give us
rent, but the ratio of what has been done to rent is nowhere near equal, as I
pointed out to you several months ago on the spreadsheet I created. I am heart-broken, as is Jon, that the people
I trusted the most and was proud to call family, have done this. I have no money in reserve, all our savings
and all my retirement is gone, I have no car since I gave it to you mom to cash
in on the truck. Should Jon decided to leave me, and that possibility is still
out there, my son and I will be homeless and without a vehicle, and will have nowhere
to go.
To that end, Mom (and Melody)
before you freaked out and didn’t let me finish and started this train of accusations;
I am not refusing to take care of Ouma and Jon and I are still taking care of
the garden and our other daily tasks. And the snotty comment today that “No one
cares when I’m upset” was totally childish and uncalled for. I never said we
wouldn’t talk but Jon is very upset and is not ready to talk about things right
clearly right now without losing control. This is extraordinarily huge for us
and we still haven’t been able to grasp the whole of it, not to mention figure
out how to pick our lives up and try to put them back together. We are not
trying to cause any more stress or issues, but ask that you show a little patience
and understanding.
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