...just kick me while I'm up because I can't feel any more down than I already am.
I hate how everytime I come here to write, I'm in tears. I hate how I am always crying. I am in the middle of a conversation with Corey regarding his roommates. Yes. I understand that I was over the past couple days. Maybe because I never fucking see him anymore with my work schedule and how his work schedule works against my days off. Maybe because the days our days off correspond, he's always too tired or too sore or just "not feeling it". What the fuck does "not feeling it" mean? That I'm always expecting sex? Yes, I enjoy sex...a lot. However, I don't expect him to always blow me off because he doesn't want to have sex.
Maybe it's because I want to see him. I sorta like knowing that someone actually gives a shit about my existence. How awful...maybe I'm just pitying myself a little too much. Or maybe I actually have a legitimate reason for hurting so bad. I have had to deal with way too much stuff recently. Nothing I can really talk too much about because I really don't want to bother crying anymore. But I just feel as if the one place I can go to in order to feel safe and hide from everything is just slipping away from me. I really have no place to go in order to run away from my problems because it seems as if now, that safe place is a problem too.
I wish I could even halfway explain to him about everything that is going on because he just doesn't see what I do. The roommates don't like me. He says they do...but I see far more than he does. I see the small minute details that tend to get missed. The sneers, the eyerolls, the exasperated looks of 'why the fuck is she here?' I see it all. And I really don't like feeling like the typical girlfriend. The annoying, the useless, the bitch. I try my hardest to do what I feel is good enough for them. I did their fucking dishes by hand today...KNOWING FULLY THAT THEY HAVE A WORKING DISHWASHER. No, I'm not into impressing people, but I'm into feeling accepted. And that is something that I have fought for my whole life. I was teased, I was hurt, I was heckled and I just put on a smile so they wouldn't see how much it hurt.
Recently, I have started to take my life into my own hands. I have lost a lot of weight. I finally have a grasp on SOMETHING that I can control. Yep...I starve myself. Yes, I know it's wrong. Yes, I know that I am hurting myself. Yes, I can get back into the swing of life the way it ought to be lived, but I just don't give too much of a fuck to bother with it anymore. I have also noticed that I seem to be totally corrupting everything that is good within my life. My personal issue with being so paranoid regarding his roommates is starting to put a bit of a rift between him and I. I see it...and I fear losing him, but honestly, if I don't stop corrupting my own life, it's going to crash and burn. However, I just wish someone would listen to me. To see me, to hear me, to understand me...to care...yet not know how totally fucked up my life really is.
I'm sorry Corey. I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you...but I can't be truly comfortable if the only way I can see you is if I am around the roommates. I'm sorry you will never see this or hear it because I just can't allow myself to be so far broken down in front of you. I've been taken advantage of far too many times to really feel as if I can allow myself to get kicked while I'm down again. Hah..kicked while I'm down? I've never actually been up. So kick away, I'm as vulnerable as I will ever be. |
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