I’ve seem to become lost again. Not sure where I was trying to go, and not sure where I want to go. I saw a widget at the bottom of someone’s diary, counting down to their next birthday and my first thought was:
‘That would be nice. I could count down to mine.’
But then the second thought came along and asked me:
‘But what would you couldn’t down to? Do you really want to figure out and slowly see the seconds past until you turn twenty-seven? Is there anything significant that’s going to happen then?’
And the answer is, no. Nothing is. I’ll still be in my job. Still trying to get on some kind of course that can help me move forward. Still worrying about my situation with my cat, my job, with everything.
I just can’t escape all of this.
I had a panic attack two nights ago. Was launching myself from one side of the room to the other, cursing under my breath before I ran up Samaritans. I talked to the guy and he managed to calm me down. Told me that no one could predict the future and so I couldn’t worry about being told off by my manager about my bad humour during the entire run-up of Christmas (I hate the season, not only because that’s when my depression hits me at full hilt). Talked me down and I went to bed at two.
My manager didn’t bring me in for a talk, though he did give me a small indication that he at least knew that I hadn’t been having a good time during the run-up. Asked me if I really had a good Christmas and all. So..
I will probably be called in. Not that day, because he was trying to do a report that day as everything about Christmas was due, but tomorrow…undoubtedly.
I’m trying to take the guy at Samaritan’s advice. Trying not to worry about it and just…taking deep breaths.
But I’m so tired. Yes, I’ve managed to survive all of my other –breaks-, but when I’m down in the darkest regions of my mind…it’s hard to see that light. It’s hard to think that I’ll get through this.
I can’t talk to my family about this. During Christmas my sister was not only sick, but also having a huge breakdown because of her boyfriend. I don’t know the details, but she spent most of it sick and in tears, so I didn’t want to worry anyone else. I’m not going to do anything stupid, but the urge to just hide in my room and forget about the world is so strong…
I’m trying to find ways to get through it. I’m going back to my doctor to go back on my meds. Despite the fact that I hate it when I’m all doped up. I can’t think properly. I can’t function, but I’m told that it’s a better position to be in than for me to be thinking these dark thoughts. And this time…I think they might be right.
And I’ll be going back to counselling. I can’t afford to pay for a therapist, but there are some government schemes where I can get discounts due to my income that I can try for. I need to speak to someone. I spend too much bottled up and it’s going to…
I was going to write that it would kill me…and unfortunately, it does have the power over me to do that. It’s got such a strong hold on me that…
I’m not letting it win. I’m not letting it get such a hold on me again and I’m going to do something about it. I just have to get through until after the New Year when the doctor office will be open and I can talk to someone about seeing a counsellor.
Just have to somehow.
Please wish me luck, any who read this entry.
Need to feel that there is some support out there, even if they are people I don’t even know.
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