there's no glitter in the gutter;

04/01/2009

there's no twilight galaxy.

i can't seem to find a place in my own being where i feel secure.
i feel like i have been searching, endlessly, to no avail.
does everyone battle with themselves the way i do?
does everyone struggle to find their piece in the worlds puzzle?
& i dont have anyone to voice these concerns to.
the saddest part is, i dont have anyone that would willingly listen.
are my struggles & my weaknesses that repulsive?
i feel like with every breath i take, i am stealing away from someone else.
someone else who is really living the life they are meant to live.
why am i so afriad to make a move? regardless of the direction.
my life is getting shorter by the second.
and i feel as though i am wasting years that are meant for something else.
how do i find a way to express who & what i am to the rest of the world?
how do you know what you are meant for? who you are meant for?
i keep repeating the same mistakes in my life, over and over again.
when does the repetition stop?
i feel like i need to expand my horizons.
but to what degree, to what expansion?
i need to break from this cage i call a life.
need to separate from the poisonous people.
yet that is what i fear the most.
if i can't be okay by myself, how can i be okay, ever?
i thought moving out on my own & living on my own would answer these questions.
& to a certain degree it has.
but now i have more questions.
is life a never ending question?
a never ending problem, for which i have to keep finding a new solution.
or is that what they call running away.
i want to be who i am.
but i feel like i have lost that.
so long ago. & now i am who people want me to be.
i am what people want me to be.
i am the most unsociable person alive i think.
i can sit in a room full of people and not say a word.
ever.
there is something dreadfully wrong with that.
or is it just me, comparing myself to everyone else?
i just. want to find myself again.
there are chances that i do not take.
& i desperately need to.