Today was my sisters birthday. She would have been 45. February 8 will be 5 years since she passed. Today is also the day my best friends mom passed away. 3 years ago this summer will be 2 years since her dad passed and may will be 6 years since my cat Sadie passed away. Sad part... there's a whole list of people before, after, and in between that passed away who were people I care for. One of which was a good friend.
But this was about my sister. She was 2nd born of the 5 of us, and the one I was closest to. She's the one who was always there for me and made me feel like she cared about me. I miss feeling like someone cares about me. I miss her so much.
I really need to make a better life for myself. I need to get unstuck and stop hating myself. So many deaths, of people who fought to live and I'm here wishing I didn't have to live. I hate that I don't love myself I hate that I don't value my life. I've always felt like I don't belong in this world, even as a child. I feel like I didn't ask to be put on earth, but I'm forced to be here so I dont hurt the feelings of the people who dont give a shit if I exist or not.
If I could have given my life to save my sister I would have without a second thought. Why did she have to die when it could have been me. I'm just a waste of space, she had a reason to be here. She has 2 kids that needed her. I dont have a reason to exist, I dont have a purpose. It should have been me.
Happy Birthday Sister, I love and miss you so much.