 a sad reminder
i have had a sad reminder of what happens in life. its saturday night, not even 1am, and i'm sitting at home. i guess i never realized that i seem to have maybe one or two friends, and the rest seem to just be aquaintences. it makes me take a hard look at what i have done and what i am doing. i know that i messed up a lot in the past and i realized what i did and who i hurt. but now it seems like everyone feels the same towards me. not so much hating me, but more of a "i can only take her in small doses" kind of way. i don't know whether this means that i need to completely change or if it means that only some parts of me need to change.
right now i feel like all of me needs to change, but i don't know why. it seems that everything i do isn't good enough for anyone. i try to be nice and to be civil, but it never makes a difference. i try to please everyone and that never works. i guess i'm just a hopeless cause.
i just don't know anymore. i feel like everyone is slowly cutting me out of their lives and i have no idea why or how to somehow change their minds. i think i just need someone to hit me over the head and tell me what the hell i'm doing wrong to everyone. or maybe i just need to forget it and keep trying to just be myself and see where that gets me.
its these small reminders in life that just kill me. it makes me think too much and i hate that. i feel like a complete lost cause right now. maybe everyone was right about me, maybe i am just a huge failure who isn't going anywhere with their life. maybe i am really going nowhere. i don't even know anymore. i guess i am just a lost cause who is going nowhere with their life.
i guess thanks to those who showed me what a huge screw up i am. i really appreciate it. and i'm being serious, without you guys, i would have never realized i'm not meant to do anything with my life.
a last note....i am sorry to everyone i have hurt in the past. if i could ever fix what i've done i would in a heartbeat. i wish everyone the best in life and i know you will all do great things with your lives.
well i guess thats it for now. i don't know what i'm off to do but i doubt its going to be worth writing about....
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Maybe a good way to start "fixing things" would be to talk to those people that you feel are pushing you away. To maybe sit down and talk to them and say hey, I'm feeling this way, and I know that I've been doing this this and this.. but is there anything I can do to fix things that I've done in the past? sometimes people just need to hear an acknowledgement that you know you've messed up and feel remorse or regret for it 