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by emptyroom

previous entry: cant be undone..

next entry: I never meant to put the .end. in our .friendship.

..when the heart bleeds..


I sent a text message to her and said she was the most amazing person I had met, and she made my world. We had so many memories in the past year that it was hard to just let all that go. I highlighted a bunch of things we experienced together this past year and just said thanks for the memories. Even if she doesnt want to talk to me anymore, or even try to remember me, I want her to know that I wont let go of her memory that easily. She meant a lot to me.....and I feel that feeling fading. Ive had some days to collect my thoughts and figure out where Im at. Im a grown adult but no matter what I manage to find a way to just destroy relationships in an epic matter. Whether its a friendship or relationship, I just know how to make it end in a spew of fireworks and hand grenades.




She text me back a few days later, and when I saw it pop up in my notifications it made my heart stop. Once I read it, I kinda wished my heart really had stopped. She felt pretty hurt by the whole deal...I dont want this to be her definition of how friendships go, I dont want her to think Im an asshole friend, I dont want her to think she will have to judge all future relationships off me and my mistakes. Right now, its best I just come to terms with my defeat and let her have her space, cause that was her wish, she wished to give it time, give her space, let her figure it out. I respect that and Im coming to terms with that...slowly...

Despite my feelings of loss and depression I actually went out on a date with a beautful woman the other night. I willed myself into it cause I honestly wanted to stay wrapped up in my thoughts and depression and trying to figure things out on my own. I toughed it out, and she was amazing, she was so beautiful, I couldnt believe how amazing she looked. But I was so far off my game and small talk that things just kinda fell flat. I did my best to keep the convo going and I did, but there was just too much on my mind, too many things for me to comb through that I couldnt be entertaining at all. But I was proud of myself for giving it a go, trying to move on with my life. Even a good friend of mine, told me it was awesome I was putting myself out there. It was tough....

There will always be the lingering thought in the back of my mind that Im just that guy, that asshole that ruined her perception of men. Im just defeated at this point.....

previous entry: cant be undone..

next entry: I never meant to put the .end. in our .friendship.

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