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by emptyroom

previous entry: Part 3..she likes to watch me bleed..

next entry: cant be undone..

Part 4...she wants nothing more...


Well, Im gonna say it again, like a broken record, just like I always do, I should write in here more and really get this crap off my chest cause a good friend to vent to is hard to come by these days. The weather has finally started getting a little better and Ive been able to get out and take some quick 2 mile walks/hikes after work and that does wonders to clear my head space and releive the stress of daily life. Thats part of the reason I moved half way across the country last year, to get to a more outdoorsy place where I could get lost in the mountains, woods or on a city street and just be with my thoughts. Is great to put my ear buds in, crank some tunes and spend an hour getting lost somewhere.

Anyway, lets jump into the story and continue this journey. So....This girl and I have a mutual friend who is also a guy and for awhile I could tell that she was starting to kinda have a thing for him. I joked around with her about it and she would get mad when I brought it up cause she swore up and down that he was never her type and she would never date him. Anyway, this guy ends up moving away but comes back every few weeks to visit his mom and check in on things. Well, when he left I could see it on her face how devastated she was and she never wanted to talk about it so I just let it be. She could deny it all she wanted, she liked him, I knew she did and I knew she was gonna be busted up when he left. Well, this guy tried to take her out, tried to get her to go on a so called date or whatever and she continuously shut him down.

Anyway, he came back into town and I hadnt seen him for a couple months so he sets up a night to go out while he is back. Well, we all go out to dance and granted I dont dance but Id like to learn. So we all meet up and its really awkward cause well, its just him, the girl and myself....So, 2 guys with one girl at a bar and we are taking turns dancing. Well, of course he can dance like a champ and so can she so they dance the night away and I sit at the bar miserable. Finally she asks me to dance and Im just learning but have zero patience with myself so I get down on myself and get upset. She was a good sport, shes tried several times to help me learn and I just lack the self confidence to do it. As the night went on they danced more and more and I was left to watch the jackets and purse type of job and I just felt like a piece of shit. I almost got up and left. Granted I also had a few drinks in me which fueled my anger. I wasnt mad at either of them, their good friends, I was just mad that I couldnt have her and she didnt want me.

I could see it in her eyes when they danced the night away that she was choosing him over me and that I wasnt approachable anymore. Yes, I knew deep down that we would never be but naturally, I couldnt bring myself to accept the rejection. I felt like thte biggest loser, sitting there at the bar. The look on my face was so bad that even the bartender came up to me and asked me if I was okay.? I wasnt, I was never going to be. I had this crazzzzzy crush on a girl who was almost half my age and I couldnt let it go, it was eating me alive. How could we be so similar, share all the same likes in life and yet be so far apart?? Right girl, wrong time...

I told her to dance with him the rest of the night, I had some drinks, I was upset, I could see it in her eyes that she wasnt interested in me and why would she be, I already knew it. But I hold out so much hope that things will work out that it just kills me. I keep hanging on and hanging on to nothing and then I run. And right now I feel like I want to run, I want to run away, I want to run to another place where I will never see her or think about her, but I cant. I keep telling myself, youll move on, things will be fine. She will find someone, settle down, marry and have a family. By that time I'll be......well, I dont know.....maybe I'll meet someone, maybe I wont. But I need to let go and I fuckin cant...

I cannot let go of this girl, I cannot let go of the thought of her. Being friends with her is shear pain, cause sometimes the friendship becomes the 'i need you in my life' without even saying a word. But I cant let go and Ive tried everything. After that night, things were really different and I couldnt understand it. It was only a couple weeks later that a friend of hers finally told me what was going on. I didnt know why I was getting the cold shoulder?? Apparently the night out dancing was too much and she wanted to cut ties but didnt have the courage to tell me thats what she wanted, not just with me, but with our mutual friend as well..... be continued..

previous entry: Part 3..she likes to watch me bleed..

next entry: cant be undone..

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