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tragedy.under.the.oak.tree
by emptyroom

previous entry: Part 1...second verse...

Part 2...I thought I got through...

11/25/2021

First off, Happy Thanksgiving to everyone (if you celebrate it). I didnt realize till I got home today how long it has been since I wrote an entry! I had a great time with family today, friends...well, not sure I can really call anyone a friend at this point. I thought I had friends, but when they bail on you last minute all the time, you start to realize maybe they just faked it to your face so that you would feel good about life or their friendship or whatever. Anyway, I took this entire week off from work, I had plenty of PTO to cover it.
 

Everything was fine but my coworkers were really being shit heads about me taking the week off. I told em hey, I need a mental break from this place cause Im literally on the verge of just losing it all. Once I get on my warpath, its over, I will tear down and breakdown anyone and everything in front of me and once its done, its done, I never go back. So I needed a break....


I thought I had everything figured out when I moved half way across the country. Truth be told, this week off has allowed me to dig deep into my soul and look at myself. And I dont like what Ive been seeing, I thought I liked the person I was becoming.? But if the people around you tell you otherwise, what are you suppose to believe? I guess my perception of who I wanted to become was not a good one.? I just need the right direction, but from who, what or where that direction will come from, I have no clue. And thats what I have asked myself all week, what is it that Im looking for?


I really thought that I was finally hitting my stride and becoming the man I wanted to become but there's all these curve balls that life throws at you, no matter how big or small and those can derail your life in a heartbeat. Im not gonna lie, Ive spent the last few evenings wrapped up in a bottle and some good music, wondering what Im doing, where Im going, who do I call a friend, do I even have friends, am I a good friend??? Ive killed myself this week, just breaking myself down mentally and looking at my inner self. Is this what I want?? I honestly wasnt going to spend my week off doing this but it might be a good thing because Im obviously not happy with where I am at.

 

We all have demons and all of a sudden these demons have decided to come out and give me time to think about my life and where Im going. Im just so confused, I thought things were great and then I look at myself in the mirror and I lose it, I think about my dads passing several years ago, who he would want me to be, I think about those I thought were my friends, I think about all the negative things. Then when I tell myself to focus on the positive, its hard to do that when there is nothing there to look forward to. I thought I had a good support system, but when no one is there when you need them, you know its mostly a dream....

 

previous entry: Part 1...second verse...

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