This week was one of the hardest weeks Ive had to go through in a long, long time. I basically lost a really close friend of mine and when I say lost, I mean we had to end our friendship. Its not what I wanted, it wasnt my choice, it was hers and it has left me hurt and confused. Ive consumed more alcohol than I ever have and while she was a really close friend, I also had a huge crush on her and thats what makes this even harder for me. We saw each other everyday, we laughed, we joked, we got on each others nerves.
But it was all coming to a head, I knew months ago that things were going to have to change, or something drastic was going to happen. I knew that I was going to have to walk away at some point but I never wanted to come to terms with it. Work has been stressful, I was failing at my job, I was letting people down, I wasnt cut out for the position. I tried so hard to make things work at my job but I felt like I always had my back against the wall and I was just being setup to fail. I tried, I failed. So I decided to walk away, take a job transfer, work on my mental health and see if I could turn things around for myself. But I didnt know I would lose a friend in the process.
My selfish decision lead to cutting ties with a very close friend of mine. Worst part is I also have a huge crush on this friend. She was upset, she took it hard and took it personal. Things happened so fast that I never had a chance to explain my side of the story. And when I had the chance to explain my side, it wasnt received well. I cant go into all the details cause its a lot but we grew very close, too close in some cases and I knew we just couldnt be around each other anymore. Everything was failing for me, both professionaly and personally. I never thought that it would come to this. I figured I would walk away before things got too complicated and now things are way more complicated than they ever were.
I feel heartbroken, beaten down...I lost a great person in my life and I only hope time will heal the wounds and maybe we can talk again one day. But for now, Im having a hard time dealing with it. This person means more to me than they will ever know and they helped me through some difficult times. In turn, I helped her through some difficult times. She really means the world to me but she will never see it that way. She sees it as I left her, I abandonded her but really I was walking away in hopes of saving the friendship because if we kept on this path, it would have ended anyway. I know that probably doesnt make much sense but nothing really does right now. I took a risk walking away but because I never had time to talk to her, to talk her through it and to explain my reasoning, now I have lost a friend.
There's no undoing the job transfer, theres no undoing the pile of shit that I dropped on her unexpectedly. It wasnt my intention to leave her with all this, it just happened that way. And for that, I am sorry and I am left heartbroken. I will miss her smile, her side glare, her eye rolls and her laugh. I will miss telling her lame jokes and saying horrible catch phrases. I will miss having her by my side, her shoulder to lean on. I will miss her hating on me, I will miss looking at her beautiful eyes cause my god she has the prettiest eyes I have ever seen. I will miss walking through the door, looking at her and having her smile at me and laugh a little. It was flirty, it was fun, it was comforting to have her around. Im gonna miss it so much and I dont know where to go from here. My heart hurts like I lost a loved one and to be honest, it kinda feels that way. I hope one day she will understand what I did, I hope she will learn to forgive me because this pain I feel lets me know that all those feelings were real. Now Im scared, lonely and not sure what tomorrow will bring. I just want her back in my life.....