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by emptyroom

previous entry: ..when the heart bleeds..

I never meant to put the .end. in our .friendship.


Im really missing her friendship. Im trying to give her time and space but its killing me inside. I just genuinely miss talking to her and getting to see her everyday. I dont know how to heal this hurt, Im at such a loss. I think Ive fallen in love with her and this is where all these pent up feelings are coming from. But I cant love, my heart cant handle it. This whole journey I have been on with her, all the things that we went through together, it just weighs on me so heavy. I cannot stop thinking about our time together as friends, how much we enjoyed each others company. I really want to talk to her, to make sure shes okay, I need this closure. Without the closure, my heart is absolutely hurting so bad. I tried to do other hobbies to take my mind off of her but everything I do reminds me of her, every song I listen to is one she sent me to listen to. I cant shake this feeling, the distress I feel.

The week off was much needed but at the same time, staycation was tough because I had too much time to sit and think about everything and how bad things got. I never wanted it to be this way, I didnt want to hurt her. But I also wonder if she even cares anymore. Is she sitting at home thinking about me like Im thinking about her? I highly doubt it, she has a life, she has friends, I on the other hand, have only a couple friends. Plus it doesnt help that one of my friends is also friends with her so he is stuck in the middle. I went out to his house the other night in hopes to get a lot of things off my chest but it really didnt come to that. We briefly talked about her but it didnt really help me at all. Still, it was a little distraction for me for one evening. But after a whole week of trying to do things to take my mind off everything, on my final day its all hitting me really hard.

I thought I would be fine but today all the feelings are coming back and crashing down on me. My anxiety is through the roof today and I feel so uneasy in my own home. I was really looking foward to having a low key day and just binging netflix but I cant. Im pacing my apartment, stuck in my own head, playing re runs of my life over the past year. The highlight of the past year was her, meeting her, getting to know her and opening up my heart to her. And in turn, gaining her trust so that she felt comfortable enough to tell me some very personal things. She will never understand how much she means to me and how she really helped me. She was my one thing to look forward to everyday and now I wont be seeing her at all and thats a really hard pill for me to swallow. I really miss her friendship, her laughter and her smile. Plus I miss looking into those eyes cause when we talked to each other we just stared so hard into each others eyes. I miss that...I miss her...

previous entry: ..when the heart bleeds..

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[Zombie Greta GarbageStar|0 likes] [|reply]

I'm sorry to hear your story. I went back and read your entries since the start of this year.
I understand very much what it's like to have a crush on a coworker and have had some people with crushes on me.
I've also had very deep and personal friendships with a few coworkers, one of them we would send long emails back and forth to each other.
He told me we should write a book together. Whenever I left that location though I haven't heard from him since.
He was a lot older than me as well. I know how that situation can be. The thing is that when you really vibe with a person and can talk to them about the things you can't talk about with anyone else, it means a lot.

The only thing that I can tell you as far as advice is to give it time and you will meet new people and your heart will heal.
You have a very strong heart and a lot of love to give the right person.
If you do love them (or maybe just admire, really like, respect, etc) then you should know that they need to have the freedom to follow whatever they desire as well. Sometimes relationships work both ways, sometimes they don't.
Hang in there.

[CatarinaNotte|0 likes] [|reply]

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